Out of Bounds... with Eric Pierce
Friday, September 21, 2007
Headlines - Week 2 2007
Sharks Victorious
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 95, Old No. 7 80.47
New quarterback Tony Romo led the Sharks to another win, scoring 19.8 points and leaving the Sharks one of only 2 teams undefeated on the young season. LaMont Jordan also continued his resurgence, rushing for 159 yards on the day (15.9 pts). It was enough to overcome another off-day for stud running back Steven Jackson, who on the season has managed a meager 12.2 points.
"Yeah, I'm frustrated," Jackson said after the game. "But we're winning games, that's all that counts. I'll keep plugging away and will get over this hump."
The players in the Old No. 7 locker room were not noticeably upset after the loss, despite moving the franchise record to 6-22. "That's what we're good at," Julius Jones said. "Losing." Jones then called his travel agent to make vacation plans for early December.
At least one player hasn't given up yet on Old No. 7 owner Dustin, as Brian Westbrook led the team in tangibles (16.2 pts) and intangibles – heart, guts, and creaky knees.
***
Champs Rebound
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil 101.67, Meins 82.07
Jamal Lewis put his teammates on his back and carried them to victory, to the tune of 216 yards and a touchdown (27.6 pts), overcoming the Meins and putting the defending champs in the winning column.
"I just put myself back in jail," Lewis said about how he prepared mentally for the game. "I imagined I was in the shower, holding the soap, and all those sweaty men were chasing me again."
Meanwhile, the Meins lost what was a winnable game. Quarterback David Garrard, signed earlier in the week to backup the injured Eli Manning, had a great first game for the Meins, adding 16.07 points. And Clinton Portis had another solid game, proving that last week was no fluke by adding 13.6 points.
But for the second week in a row, Deuce McAllister was a no-show, tallying 3.6 points. And the Meins other 2 free-agent adds for the week, Mason Crosby and Eric Johnson, were unspectacular, combining for 6.8 points.
***
Pitbulls Devoured
Final Score: Midland Maulers 108.6, Vick's Pitbulls 63.83
The Midland Maulers came out hungry and went after Vick's Pitbulls like a Mississippi leg-hound to a bare leg, humping the Pitbulls into submission with a 45 point victory. QB Tom Brady and RB Marion Barber both tallied 21.5 points in the effort, leading all scorers in the game and powering the Maulers to their first victory of the season. The Maulers scored well on the day, despite a second consecutive sub-par performance by the team's primary RBs – Lawrence Maroney (7.7 pts) and Ronnie Brown (6.9 pts).
Meanwhile, LaDainian Tomlinson must be tiring of carrying the Pitbulls on his own, as he phoned in his performance, scoring a meager 5.8 points. QB Vince Young tried to make up the difference, having a solid game (16.43 points), but it was not enough to fill the vacuum.
The mood in the losing locker room was mutinous, and grumbling could be heard about Jerome's drafting skills, his taste in golf attire, and his preference for junk-holding, former Notre Dame quarterbacks.
***
Necrophiliacs Surprise Again
Final Score: BarbaroNecrophiliacs 105.77, hokay hoslap 78.4
(ghost-written by Badics)
The BarbaroNecrophiliacs had their way with the lifeless corpse of Hokay Hoslap. Hokay’s corpse was lying dead on the examining table in the morgue, and the Necrophiliacs did unspeakable things to the lifeless bag of bonez and blood.
Randy Moss continued his outstanding play noting, “I play hard when I want, which just so happens to be now.” Jonny Kitna turned in another solid performance, pinballing through the secondary on numerous plays and getting his bell rung numerous times. New addition Dallas Clark contributed a solid performance with 12.9 points. And the cornerstone of the team, Mr. Frank Gore, continued his solid play with 20.5 points. Gore had a tough week as his mother passed away; you’d be happy to know that the Necrophiliacs did not attempt any funny business with her.
Hokay had a tough week but were lead by Kellen Winslow (16 pts). The other standout was Neil Rackers who hoslapped the netting behind the field goal to the tune of 13 big points. LJ had his second tough week turning in only 8.7 points.
***
Chubby Squeaks Out Win
Final Score: Chubby's In 116.97, Craigulators 115.17
The game was going to end in a tie, but in true heart-breaking fashion, the Craigulators lose in the close-fought shoot-out.
"I accept full responsibility for the loss," quarterback Matt Hasselbeck said. Hasselbeck was sacked on the game's final play, resulting in a loss of 18 yards and breaking the tie. The loss overshadowed the stellar play of certain Craigulator's players, namely Chad Johnson (32.9 pts), Terrell Owens (16.2 pts), and Willis McGahee (16.3 pts).
Meanwhile, Chubby's In got 74% of their production from three players – Carson Palmer (401 yds, 6 TDs, 2 INTs – 38.37 pts), Steve Smith (153 yds, 3 TDs – 33.3 pts), and Joseph Addai (81 yds, 1 TD – 14.7 pts). Addai looked stellar for the second consecutive week, and Palmer had a career day as Chubby's In remained undefeated.
***
Nuts Swing into Action
Final Score: Dez Nuts 110.77, Bad Ideaz Kennels 108.1
Edgerrin James continued his resurgence, rushing for 128 yds and a TD (21 pts), and Willie Parker had his first big game of the year (126 yds, TD – 19.3 pts) to carry Dez Nuts to their first win on the season. Rookie WR Calvin "Megatron" Johnson had another solid game (12.8 pts), leading the team's WR in production. Is there more than meets the eye to Johnson? DNA tests are inconclusive.
Despite spectacular play by his WR – Andre Johnson (24 pts) and TJ Houshmandzadeh (18.9 pts) and an all-around solid effort by the team, Bad Ideaz lost their first game, dropping to 1-1.
"You gotta take it for what it is, a loss," Ideaz's QB Peyton Manning philosophized. "We played a good game, have some things to work on in practice this week, but the Nuts were a little bit better this week. Tip the hat to them."
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 95, Old No. 7 80.47
New quarterback Tony Romo led the Sharks to another win, scoring 19.8 points and leaving the Sharks one of only 2 teams undefeated on the young season. LaMont Jordan also continued his resurgence, rushing for 159 yards on the day (15.9 pts). It was enough to overcome another off-day for stud running back Steven Jackson, who on the season has managed a meager 12.2 points.
"Yeah, I'm frustrated," Jackson said after the game. "But we're winning games, that's all that counts. I'll keep plugging away and will get over this hump."
The players in the Old No. 7 locker room were not noticeably upset after the loss, despite moving the franchise record to 6-22. "That's what we're good at," Julius Jones said. "Losing." Jones then called his travel agent to make vacation plans for early December.
At least one player hasn't given up yet on Old No. 7 owner Dustin, as Brian Westbrook led the team in tangibles (16.2 pts) and intangibles – heart, guts, and creaky knees.
***
Champs Rebound
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil 101.67, Meins 82.07
Jamal Lewis put his teammates on his back and carried them to victory, to the tune of 216 yards and a touchdown (27.6 pts), overcoming the Meins and putting the defending champs in the winning column.
"I just put myself back in jail," Lewis said about how he prepared mentally for the game. "I imagined I was in the shower, holding the soap, and all those sweaty men were chasing me again."
Meanwhile, the Meins lost what was a winnable game. Quarterback David Garrard, signed earlier in the week to backup the injured Eli Manning, had a great first game for the Meins, adding 16.07 points. And Clinton Portis had another solid game, proving that last week was no fluke by adding 13.6 points.
But for the second week in a row, Deuce McAllister was a no-show, tallying 3.6 points. And the Meins other 2 free-agent adds for the week, Mason Crosby and Eric Johnson, were unspectacular, combining for 6.8 points.
***
Pitbulls Devoured
Final Score: Midland Maulers 108.6, Vick's Pitbulls 63.83
The Midland Maulers came out hungry and went after Vick's Pitbulls like a Mississippi leg-hound to a bare leg, humping the Pitbulls into submission with a 45 point victory. QB Tom Brady and RB Marion Barber both tallied 21.5 points in the effort, leading all scorers in the game and powering the Maulers to their first victory of the season. The Maulers scored well on the day, despite a second consecutive sub-par performance by the team's primary RBs – Lawrence Maroney (7.7 pts) and Ronnie Brown (6.9 pts).
Meanwhile, LaDainian Tomlinson must be tiring of carrying the Pitbulls on his own, as he phoned in his performance, scoring a meager 5.8 points. QB Vince Young tried to make up the difference, having a solid game (16.43 points), but it was not enough to fill the vacuum.
The mood in the losing locker room was mutinous, and grumbling could be heard about Jerome's drafting skills, his taste in golf attire, and his preference for junk-holding, former Notre Dame quarterbacks.
***
Necrophiliacs Surprise Again
Final Score: BarbaroNecrophiliacs 105.77, hokay hoslap 78.4
(ghost-written by Badics)
The BarbaroNecrophiliacs had their way with the lifeless corpse of Hokay Hoslap. Hokay’s corpse was lying dead on the examining table in the morgue, and the Necrophiliacs did unspeakable things to the lifeless bag of bonez and blood.
Randy Moss continued his outstanding play noting, “I play hard when I want, which just so happens to be now.” Jonny Kitna turned in another solid performance, pinballing through the secondary on numerous plays and getting his bell rung numerous times. New addition Dallas Clark contributed a solid performance with 12.9 points. And the cornerstone of the team, Mr. Frank Gore, continued his solid play with 20.5 points. Gore had a tough week as his mother passed away; you’d be happy to know that the Necrophiliacs did not attempt any funny business with her.
Hokay had a tough week but were lead by Kellen Winslow (16 pts). The other standout was Neil Rackers who hoslapped the netting behind the field goal to the tune of 13 big points. LJ had his second tough week turning in only 8.7 points.
***
Chubby Squeaks Out Win
Final Score: Chubby's In 116.97, Craigulators 115.17
The game was going to end in a tie, but in true heart-breaking fashion, the Craigulators lose in the close-fought shoot-out.
"I accept full responsibility for the loss," quarterback Matt Hasselbeck said. Hasselbeck was sacked on the game's final play, resulting in a loss of 18 yards and breaking the tie. The loss overshadowed the stellar play of certain Craigulator's players, namely Chad Johnson (32.9 pts), Terrell Owens (16.2 pts), and Willis McGahee (16.3 pts).
Meanwhile, Chubby's In got 74% of their production from three players – Carson Palmer (401 yds, 6 TDs, 2 INTs – 38.37 pts), Steve Smith (153 yds, 3 TDs – 33.3 pts), and Joseph Addai (81 yds, 1 TD – 14.7 pts). Addai looked stellar for the second consecutive week, and Palmer had a career day as Chubby's In remained undefeated.
***
Nuts Swing into Action
Final Score: Dez Nuts 110.77, Bad Ideaz Kennels 108.1
Edgerrin James continued his resurgence, rushing for 128 yds and a TD (21 pts), and Willie Parker had his first big game of the year (126 yds, TD – 19.3 pts) to carry Dez Nuts to their first win on the season. Rookie WR Calvin "Megatron" Johnson had another solid game (12.8 pts), leading the team's WR in production. Is there more than meets the eye to Johnson? DNA tests are inconclusive.
Despite spectacular play by his WR – Andre Johnson (24 pts) and TJ Houshmandzadeh (18.9 pts) and an all-around solid effort by the team, Bad Ideaz lost their first game, dropping to 1-1.
"You gotta take it for what it is, a loss," Ideaz's QB Peyton Manning philosophized. "We played a good game, have some things to work on in practice this week, but the Nuts were a little bit better this week. Tip the hat to them."
Labels: Headlines
¶ 10:37 AM 0 Comments
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Headlines - Week 1 2007
Sharks Stomp Nuts
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 141.7, Dez Nuts 67.47
Much-hyped coming into the season, the Sharks' Steven Jackson decided to take the opening game off. Turns out, it didn't matter.
The Sharks put the lumber to Dez Nuts, coming out firing on (almost) all cylinders and pouring on the offensive fireworks. By themselves, the Sharks two leading scorers - QB Tony Romo (35.6 pts) and WR Plaxico Burress (32.4) - scored enough pts to overcome the Nuts. But there is no mercy rule in the cold and cruel world of fantasy football, and the Sharks didn't let up until the final buzzer. For at least one week, LaMont Jordan had a resurgence, looking like the Jordan of 2005 while adding 21.9 pts. And rookie Adrian Peterson, who some had questioned the wisdom of drafted so early, made a splash in his debut, leading all RBs with 22.3 fantasy pts.
Despite the utter brutality of the loss, Dez Nuts had a few bright spots, which they hope to build upon in their week 2 matchup with Liefer's Bad Ideas Kennels. QB Marc Bulger was solid, if not spectacular (12.37 pts), and Edgerrin James looked 3 years younger, running hard for 17.2 pts. WRs Larry Fitzgerald (2 pts) and Deion Branch (0 pts) were literal no-shows, and while they likely will produce in week 2, All-World rookie WR Calvin Johnson is waiting in the wings should GM Twig decide to make the switch.
Though he didn't produce anything on the field in the matchup, Steven Jackson had this to say afterwards. "This is a notice. A memo to the league. The Big Brown Sharks are back mutha-fuckers. Everyone is saying in the papers and to their mommas that we're not going to do anything this year, that after losing the '06 Championship, we are doomed to have a slump. Fuck that. We're taking this shit man."
***
Maulers Mauled, Meins Prevail
Final Score: Meins 110.5, Maulers 88.7
Coming into the 2007 season, the Meins squad had more questions then they did answers. Would main-stay Clinton Portis produce like the stud of old, or would he had another injury-riddled season? Did all the trades improve the team? And why did owner Jeremy drop the 'Main' from the Meins' team name?
For one week at least, the Meins put all but the latter question to rest, winning in impressive fashion against Torey's Maulers. Eli Manning had a spectacular game 27.6 pts, and was well on-pace to leading all scorers for the week before leaving in the 4th with a shoulder injury. Newcomer WR Reggie Wayne (21.5 pts) also had a career day, and Portis indeed looked like the stud of old, gaining 98 yds and adding a TD (15.8 pts) against a tough D.
The injury to Manning cast a shadow over the win, however. He is considered day-to-day with what officials are calling a partial separation of his throwing shoulder, but Eli himself fully expects to play in week 2. "I've been fully active with my right arm and have shown no discomfort. Brushed my teeth, unlocked my door, even had a vigorious mank-session. No pain or discomfort."
In the other locker room, the disappointment was tangible. QB Tom Brady had a stellar game, throwing for 297 yds and 3 TDs (25.3) , and rewarding owner Torey for the faith he had shown in keeping Brady over the much-hyped Brandon Jacobs. But aside from Marion Barber III (15.4 pts), no one really stepped up for the Maulers, and as a result, they start the season down 0-1.
Of particular concern for the Maulers is their running game, or lack thereof. Starting RBs Laurence Maroney and Ronnie Brown combined for a meager 104 yds on the ground, and both were kept out of the end zone. If the Maulers expect any chance of winning their week 2 matchup with Jerome's Vick's Pitbulls, Brown and Maroney need to produce.
***
Rough Start for Champs
In their first action since they completed their Cinderella run in 2006, winning the Championship as the #6 seed, Walker's Tiorted Snoil played an unispired and sloppy game. It was enough to make one wonder if their gatorade bottles were filled with the remnnants of last year's champaign.
Last year's surprise sensation, Maurice Jones-Drew, was virtually non-existant (4 pts), joining mainstay Rudi Johnson (7.6 pts) and new back Jamal Lewis (2.6 pts) for an underwhelming backfield peformance. Laveranues Coles played a strong game (59 yds, 2 TDs for 17.9 pts), and the Defense was phenomenal (29 pts), but nobody else came to play.
Meanwhile, Badic's squad opened the '07 campaign strong, taking advantage of the reeling champs with a decisive victory. The frequently malcontent Randy Moss seemed content for this week at least, playing his strongest game in two years (24.3 pts). And despite Reggie Bush's absense (4.5 pts), the young backfield looks very strong - Frank Gore posted 13.6 pts, and rookie Marshawn Lynch added 15.9.
Walker's team will certainly improve, but one thing is certain - the BarbaroNecrophiliacs look to be strong contenders this year.
***
The Dynasty Begins?
Final Score: Craigulators 77.8, Hokay Hoslap 48.33
Craigulator's Owner Craig talked a lot about how this was going to be the year of the Craigulators. They made a lot of offseason moves and were going to turn things around. He even showed up on draft day wearing a shirt that proclaimed "The dynasty begins". And although they got the win this first week, it was evocative of the kinds of games the Craigulators have played the last 2 years: gouge-your-eyes-out ugly.
"We got the W, that is all that matters," Terrell Owens had to say afterwards. Part of a big off-season trade that sent additional picks to Jeremy's Meins, TO was spectacular in his Craigulators debute, hauling in 87 yards and 2 scores (20.7 pts). Asked about his feelings on the trade, TO was rather gracious about moving to a team that had perennially under-achieved. "Look, I told Jeremy, I said, 'look - nigga get me off this fuckin team before I blow a knee or some shit'. I mean, I love that cat, but he is like kryptonite to brothas."
The hokay squad was rather glum after the loss. In addition to starting the year 0-1, they also suffered injuries to 2 of their young up-and-coming RBs - Brandon Jacobs and Cadillac Williams. Of the two, Jacobs injury was the more concerning, and he could miss a month or more of playing time. Add in the merely mortal performance of Larry Johnson (8.7 pts) after a lengthy hold-out, and it could be a very long season for Bud's team.
***
New name, same results
Final Score: Chubby's In 94.37, Old No. 7 70.9
Despite high hopes heading into the season, Dustin's newly-christened Old No. 7 lose the opener. Worse than the loss is the sense of optimism that is already leaking out of the locker room like air from a punctured balloon. If the team doesn't get this ship turned around quickly, owner Dustin will have a mutinious team and fan base calling for blood.
"We're better than this," signal-caller Drew Brees said. "I'm better than this. We just need to put it all together and play a solid team game." Much of the blame for this loss can be laid at Captain Brees' feet, as he actually posted a negative score for the day (-1 pts).
Meanwhile, Wes' Chubby's In picked up where they left off last year, winning in convincing fashion and looking like a playoff team. Carson Palmer (16.47 pts) and Steve Smith (18 pts) were their usually productive selves, and super soph Joseph Addai looked like a top 3 RB, slashing and cutting his way to a team-high 20.3 pts on the day.
"They've been there, they've done it," Brees had to say about Chubby's team. "And it shows."
***
Bad Ideaz Great, Vick's Pitbulls Crushed
Final Score: Bad Ideaz Kennels 143.5, Vick's Pitbulls 93.47
The prognosticators might be right - Bad Ideaz Kennel, the preseason favorite, looks ready for another run at the title.
In convincing fashion, Liefer's Bad Ideaz opened the season with a 50-point win. There was no evidence of the maliase that brought down the '05 champ last year. RB Shaun Alexander appears to be back to full health, as he tallied 17.7 pts. Peyton Manning (24.6 pts), Andre Johnson (18.2 pts), Travis Henry (18.3 pts), and Jason Witten (17.6 pts) also contributed with impressive games.
On the other hand, Jerome's squad continued to rely primarily on All-World LaDanian Tomlinson, who scored 19.17 pts in the losing effort. Torry Holt (13.3 pts) and Tatum Bell (15.3 pts) also produced, but in this game at least, LT could not do it on his own.
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 141.7, Dez Nuts 67.47
Much-hyped coming into the season, the Sharks' Steven Jackson decided to take the opening game off. Turns out, it didn't matter.
The Sharks put the lumber to Dez Nuts, coming out firing on (almost) all cylinders and pouring on the offensive fireworks. By themselves, the Sharks two leading scorers - QB Tony Romo (35.6 pts) and WR Plaxico Burress (32.4) - scored enough pts to overcome the Nuts. But there is no mercy rule in the cold and cruel world of fantasy football, and the Sharks didn't let up until the final buzzer. For at least one week, LaMont Jordan had a resurgence, looking like the Jordan of 2005 while adding 21.9 pts. And rookie Adrian Peterson, who some had questioned the wisdom of drafted so early, made a splash in his debut, leading all RBs with 22.3 fantasy pts.
Despite the utter brutality of the loss, Dez Nuts had a few bright spots, which they hope to build upon in their week 2 matchup with Liefer's Bad Ideas Kennels. QB Marc Bulger was solid, if not spectacular (12.37 pts), and Edgerrin James looked 3 years younger, running hard for 17.2 pts. WRs Larry Fitzgerald (2 pts) and Deion Branch (0 pts) were literal no-shows, and while they likely will produce in week 2, All-World rookie WR Calvin Johnson is waiting in the wings should GM Twig decide to make the switch.
Though he didn't produce anything on the field in the matchup, Steven Jackson had this to say afterwards. "This is a notice. A memo to the league. The Big Brown Sharks are back mutha-fuckers. Everyone is saying in the papers and to their mommas that we're not going to do anything this year, that after losing the '06 Championship, we are doomed to have a slump. Fuck that. We're taking this shit man."
***
Maulers Mauled, Meins Prevail
Final Score: Meins 110.5, Maulers 88.7
Coming into the 2007 season, the Meins squad had more questions then they did answers. Would main-stay Clinton Portis produce like the stud of old, or would he had another injury-riddled season? Did all the trades improve the team? And why did owner Jeremy drop the 'Main' from the Meins' team name?
For one week at least, the Meins put all but the latter question to rest, winning in impressive fashion against Torey's Maulers. Eli Manning had a spectacular game 27.6 pts, and was well on-pace to leading all scorers for the week before leaving in the 4th with a shoulder injury. Newcomer WR Reggie Wayne (21.5 pts) also had a career day, and Portis indeed looked like the stud of old, gaining 98 yds and adding a TD (15.8 pts) against a tough D.
The injury to Manning cast a shadow over the win, however. He is considered day-to-day with what officials are calling a partial separation of his throwing shoulder, but Eli himself fully expects to play in week 2. "I've been fully active with my right arm and have shown no discomfort. Brushed my teeth, unlocked my door, even had a vigorious mank-session. No pain or discomfort."
In the other locker room, the disappointment was tangible. QB Tom Brady had a stellar game, throwing for 297 yds and 3 TDs (25.3) , and rewarding owner Torey for the faith he had shown in keeping Brady over the much-hyped Brandon Jacobs. But aside from Marion Barber III (15.4 pts), no one really stepped up for the Maulers, and as a result, they start the season down 0-1.
Of particular concern for the Maulers is their running game, or lack thereof. Starting RBs Laurence Maroney and Ronnie Brown combined for a meager 104 yds on the ground, and both were kept out of the end zone. If the Maulers expect any chance of winning their week 2 matchup with Jerome's Vick's Pitbulls, Brown and Maroney need to produce.
***
Rough Start for Champs
Final Score: BarbaroNecrophiliacs 101.73, Tiorted Snoil 80.23
The honeymoon is over.In their first action since they completed their Cinderella run in 2006, winning the Championship as the #6 seed, Walker's Tiorted Snoil played an unispired and sloppy game. It was enough to make one wonder if their gatorade bottles were filled with the remnnants of last year's champaign.
Last year's surprise sensation, Maurice Jones-Drew, was virtually non-existant (4 pts), joining mainstay Rudi Johnson (7.6 pts) and new back Jamal Lewis (2.6 pts) for an underwhelming backfield peformance. Laveranues Coles played a strong game (59 yds, 2 TDs for 17.9 pts), and the Defense was phenomenal (29 pts), but nobody else came to play.
Meanwhile, Badic's squad opened the '07 campaign strong, taking advantage of the reeling champs with a decisive victory. The frequently malcontent Randy Moss seemed content for this week at least, playing his strongest game in two years (24.3 pts). And despite Reggie Bush's absense (4.5 pts), the young backfield looks very strong - Frank Gore posted 13.6 pts, and rookie Marshawn Lynch added 15.9.
Walker's team will certainly improve, but one thing is certain - the BarbaroNecrophiliacs look to be strong contenders this year.
***
The Dynasty Begins?
Final Score: Craigulators 77.8, Hokay Hoslap 48.33
Craigulator's Owner Craig talked a lot about how this was going to be the year of the Craigulators. They made a lot of offseason moves and were going to turn things around. He even showed up on draft day wearing a shirt that proclaimed "The dynasty begins". And although they got the win this first week, it was evocative of the kinds of games the Craigulators have played the last 2 years: gouge-your-eyes-out ugly.
"We got the W, that is all that matters," Terrell Owens had to say afterwards. Part of a big off-season trade that sent additional picks to Jeremy's Meins, TO was spectacular in his Craigulators debute, hauling in 87 yards and 2 scores (20.7 pts). Asked about his feelings on the trade, TO was rather gracious about moving to a team that had perennially under-achieved. "Look, I told Jeremy, I said, 'look - nigga get me off this fuckin team before I blow a knee or some shit'. I mean, I love that cat, but he is like kryptonite to brothas."
The hokay squad was rather glum after the loss. In addition to starting the year 0-1, they also suffered injuries to 2 of their young up-and-coming RBs - Brandon Jacobs and Cadillac Williams. Of the two, Jacobs injury was the more concerning, and he could miss a month or more of playing time. Add in the merely mortal performance of Larry Johnson (8.7 pts) after a lengthy hold-out, and it could be a very long season for Bud's team.
***
New name, same results
Final Score: Chubby's In 94.37, Old No. 7 70.9
Despite high hopes heading into the season, Dustin's newly-christened Old No. 7 lose the opener. Worse than the loss is the sense of optimism that is already leaking out of the locker room like air from a punctured balloon. If the team doesn't get this ship turned around quickly, owner Dustin will have a mutinious team and fan base calling for blood.
"We're better than this," signal-caller Drew Brees said. "I'm better than this. We just need to put it all together and play a solid team game." Much of the blame for this loss can be laid at Captain Brees' feet, as he actually posted a negative score for the day (-1 pts).
Meanwhile, Wes' Chubby's In picked up where they left off last year, winning in convincing fashion and looking like a playoff team. Carson Palmer (16.47 pts) and Steve Smith (18 pts) were their usually productive selves, and super soph Joseph Addai looked like a top 3 RB, slashing and cutting his way to a team-high 20.3 pts on the day.
"They've been there, they've done it," Brees had to say about Chubby's team. "And it shows."
***
Bad Ideaz Great, Vick's Pitbulls Crushed
Final Score: Bad Ideaz Kennels 143.5, Vick's Pitbulls 93.47
The prognosticators might be right - Bad Ideaz Kennel, the preseason favorite, looks ready for another run at the title.
In convincing fashion, Liefer's Bad Ideaz opened the season with a 50-point win. There was no evidence of the maliase that brought down the '05 champ last year. RB Shaun Alexander appears to be back to full health, as he tallied 17.7 pts. Peyton Manning (24.6 pts), Andre Johnson (18.2 pts), Travis Henry (18.3 pts), and Jason Witten (17.6 pts) also contributed with impressive games.
On the other hand, Jerome's squad continued to rely primarily on All-World LaDanian Tomlinson, who scored 19.17 pts in the losing effort. Torry Holt (13.3 pts) and Tatum Bell (15.3 pts) also produced, but in this game at least, LT could not do it on his own.
Labels: Headlines
¶ 8:44 PM 1 Comments
Friday, October 20, 2006
Headlines - Week 6 2006
Sharks Still Unbeaten
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (6-0) 96.17, Tiorted Snoil (2-4) 81.73
Quarterback Jake Delhomme continued his impressive play of late, getting help from RBs Steven Jackson and Willie Parker to win an easy one for the Big Brown Sharks, 96.17 - 81.73. Delhomme threw for 365 yards and 2 touchdowns (15 pts), and Jackson added 96 all-purpose yards and 1 TD (15 pts), and Parker contributed 109 yards rushing and 2 TDs (19 pts).
Tiorted Snoil played a solid game, getting production from QB Michael Vick (12 pts), RB Tatum Bell (15 pts) and WR Chris Chambers (12 pts). Ultimately though, the lack of production from RBs Ron Dayne and Kevan Barlow cost them the ballgame.
It wasn't all bad news for Snoil owner/GM Chris Walker. An acknowledged Shark fan, Walker was seen sporting wood on the sidelines throughout the entire contest, as he finally got to see his favorite team up close.
***
Meins Blow-Out Maulers
Final Score: Main Meins (5-1) 108.53, Midland Maulers (2-4) 45.30
It turns out the talk of Joe Horn's demise was premature, as he exploded for 110 yards and 2 touchdowns (23 pts).
The Main Meins continued to look impressive, utterly dominating the Maulers from Midland and winning by 63 points. For the Meins, Donovan McNabb continued his torent pace (15 pts), and Clinton Portis (19 pts) and Ronnie Brown (18 pts) also added to the assault. It turns out, those 3 performances alone would have been able to beat the downtrodden Maulers.
For the Maulers, the outlook is bleak at best. After a promising 2-0 start, they have lost 4 in a row, dropping them into the bottom half of the league. RB Rudi Johnson and the defense were no-shows in this contest (5 pts and 7 pts, respectively); they had carried the Maulers early, but have been absent of late.
***
Herr Lose Again; Sabo's Head Called For
Final Score: Chubby's In (4-2) 107.73, Blood Teeth N Herr (1-5) 85
The boo-birds howled early and often in this one, as Blood Teeth N Herr lost yet another one. The crowd at Sabo Municipal Stadium was hostile from the outset, and a large number of them wore tee-shirts with the words 'Fire Sabo' scrawled across the front in red letters.
The fans certainly have something to complain about, as Herr is now 1-5 on the season, after going 2-11 in the inaugural season. The next closest teams over that same period are the Craigulators and LanceBass AssPirates, both 6-13 lifetime.
Sabo was unavailable for comment.
For their part, Chubby's In continued their winning ways. QB Matt Hasselbeck had his best game on the season, throwing for 268 yard and 3 TDs (26 pts). Jeremy Shockey and the defense also contributed 17 pts each. It was enough to power the team to a win.
***
Nuts Slapped
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (4-2) 111, Dez Nuts (3-3) 98
Hokay went with an aerial assault, getting over 20 points from each of their 3 WRs, powering the team to victory, despite a solid outing from Dez Nuts. Roy Williams (22 pts), Laveranues Coles (22 pts), and Reggie Brown (25 pts) provided the fireworks for Hokay.
Despite this, Hokay didn't get much production from the rest of the team, leaving the door open for Nuts.
The players in the losing locker room realized they had a chance to pull out the victory, but lack of production from a couple of key players ultimately cost them the game. Edge rushed 36 times for only 55 yards, a meager 1.5 average, and only contributing 4.2 pts.
Also exposed during this loss was Nut's lack of a true #2 WR. Pressed into duty, Eric Moulds added only 4.4 pts. If Nuts want to go far, they will need to address this deficit.
Steve Smith (24 pts), and Warrick Dunn (20 pts) led the way for Nuts.
***
Craigulators Ride Again
Final Score: Craigulators (2-4) 84.8, Spartan Lions (2-4) 60.6
Kevin Jones continued his domination of late, rushing for 127 yards and 1 TD (22 pts), powering the Craigulators to the win in another ugly contest. TJ Houshmandzadeh also added 16 pts.
Meanwhile, the loss drops the defending champion Spartan Lions to 2-4 on the season. With star running back Shaun Alexander on the sidelines for at least 2 more weeks, it might get worse before it gets better for the Lions, who run the risk of going from first to worst in the course of only one season.
***
Smooth Shaft Dominates
Final Score: Smooth Shaft (3-3) 148.7, LanceBass AssPirates (2-4) 101.3
Smooth Shaft looked like world-beaters this week, posting a league-high score of 148.7 en route to a decisive victory and sticking it to the AssPirates.
Running back LaDainian Tomlinson gained 135 total yards and rushed for 4 touchdowns, contributing 37.5 pts. He was joined by QB Marc Bulger (24 pts), and WRs Torry Holt (33 pts) and Anquan Boldin (19 pts) in running up the score on the AssPirates. All four combined for more points than the entire AssPirate squad combined (115 vs 101).
"It was that kind of game," LT said, "the Shaft was in-sync today."
Overshadowed in the loss was the fact that for the first time all season, the AssPirates played a solid game and put points on the board. WR Terrell Owens hauled in 3 TDs on the day (22 pts), and RB Tiki Barber added 222 total yards (22 pts).
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (6-0) 96.17, Tiorted Snoil (2-4) 81.73
Quarterback Jake Delhomme continued his impressive play of late, getting help from RBs Steven Jackson and Willie Parker to win an easy one for the Big Brown Sharks, 96.17 - 81.73. Delhomme threw for 365 yards and 2 touchdowns (15 pts), and Jackson added 96 all-purpose yards and 1 TD (15 pts), and Parker contributed 109 yards rushing and 2 TDs (19 pts).
Tiorted Snoil played a solid game, getting production from QB Michael Vick (12 pts), RB Tatum Bell (15 pts) and WR Chris Chambers (12 pts). Ultimately though, the lack of production from RBs Ron Dayne and Kevan Barlow cost them the ballgame.
It wasn't all bad news for Snoil owner/GM Chris Walker. An acknowledged Shark fan, Walker was seen sporting wood on the sidelines throughout the entire contest, as he finally got to see his favorite team up close.
***
Meins Blow-Out Maulers
Final Score: Main Meins (5-1) 108.53, Midland Maulers (2-4) 45.30
It turns out the talk of Joe Horn's demise was premature, as he exploded for 110 yards and 2 touchdowns (23 pts).
The Main Meins continued to look impressive, utterly dominating the Maulers from Midland and winning by 63 points. For the Meins, Donovan McNabb continued his torent pace (15 pts), and Clinton Portis (19 pts) and Ronnie Brown (18 pts) also added to the assault. It turns out, those 3 performances alone would have been able to beat the downtrodden Maulers.
For the Maulers, the outlook is bleak at best. After a promising 2-0 start, they have lost 4 in a row, dropping them into the bottom half of the league. RB Rudi Johnson and the defense were no-shows in this contest (5 pts and 7 pts, respectively); they had carried the Maulers early, but have been absent of late.
***
Herr Lose Again; Sabo's Head Called For
Final Score: Chubby's In (4-2) 107.73, Blood Teeth N Herr (1-5) 85
The boo-birds howled early and often in this one, as Blood Teeth N Herr lost yet another one. The crowd at Sabo Municipal Stadium was hostile from the outset, and a large number of them wore tee-shirts with the words 'Fire Sabo' scrawled across the front in red letters.
The fans certainly have something to complain about, as Herr is now 1-5 on the season, after going 2-11 in the inaugural season. The next closest teams over that same period are the Craigulators and LanceBass AssPirates, both 6-13 lifetime.
Sabo was unavailable for comment.
For their part, Chubby's In continued their winning ways. QB Matt Hasselbeck had his best game on the season, throwing for 268 yard and 3 TDs (26 pts). Jeremy Shockey and the defense also contributed 17 pts each. It was enough to power the team to a win.
***
Nuts Slapped
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (4-2) 111, Dez Nuts (3-3) 98
Hokay went with an aerial assault, getting over 20 points from each of their 3 WRs, powering the team to victory, despite a solid outing from Dez Nuts. Roy Williams (22 pts), Laveranues Coles (22 pts), and Reggie Brown (25 pts) provided the fireworks for Hokay.
Despite this, Hokay didn't get much production from the rest of the team, leaving the door open for Nuts.
The players in the losing locker room realized they had a chance to pull out the victory, but lack of production from a couple of key players ultimately cost them the game. Edge rushed 36 times for only 55 yards, a meager 1.5 average, and only contributing 4.2 pts.
Also exposed during this loss was Nut's lack of a true #2 WR. Pressed into duty, Eric Moulds added only 4.4 pts. If Nuts want to go far, they will need to address this deficit.
Steve Smith (24 pts), and Warrick Dunn (20 pts) led the way for Nuts.
***
Craigulators Ride Again
Final Score: Craigulators (2-4) 84.8, Spartan Lions (2-4) 60.6
Kevin Jones continued his domination of late, rushing for 127 yards and 1 TD (22 pts), powering the Craigulators to the win in another ugly contest. TJ Houshmandzadeh also added 16 pts.
Meanwhile, the loss drops the defending champion Spartan Lions to 2-4 on the season. With star running back Shaun Alexander on the sidelines for at least 2 more weeks, it might get worse before it gets better for the Lions, who run the risk of going from first to worst in the course of only one season.
***
Smooth Shaft Dominates
Final Score: Smooth Shaft (3-3) 148.7, LanceBass AssPirates (2-4) 101.3
Smooth Shaft looked like world-beaters this week, posting a league-high score of 148.7 en route to a decisive victory and sticking it to the AssPirates.
Running back LaDainian Tomlinson gained 135 total yards and rushed for 4 touchdowns, contributing 37.5 pts. He was joined by QB Marc Bulger (24 pts), and WRs Torry Holt (33 pts) and Anquan Boldin (19 pts) in running up the score on the AssPirates. All four combined for more points than the entire AssPirate squad combined (115 vs 101).
"It was that kind of game," LT said, "the Shaft was in-sync today."
Overshadowed in the loss was the fact that for the first time all season, the AssPirates played a solid game and put points on the board. WR Terrell Owens hauled in 3 TDs on the day (22 pts), and RB Tiki Barber added 222 total yards (22 pts).
Labels: Headlines
¶ 11:02 AM 0 Comments
Saturday, October 7, 2006
Headlines - Week 4 2006
Brown Sharks #1
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (4-0) 96.23, Smooth Shaft (1-3) 90.53
There was no champagne to mark the occasion. Gone were the cigars and party hats from the previous weeks, when the Big Brown Sharks were shocking the football world. Instead, chants of "Number 1! Number 1!" rang through the locker room.
As they had done all season, the Big Brown Sharks won again, squeaking out 6 point win, thanks in part to questionable personnel decisions by Smooth Shaft GM Jerome. The only other undefeated team, the Main Meins, had lost, leaving the Brown Sharks alone atop the summit.
The team's top 2 running backs, Julius Jones and Steven Jackson, powered the offense, the former running for 122 yards and a touchdown, and the latter gaining 146 all-purpose yards and a touchdown. And quarterback Jake Delhomme finally played to his potential, throwing for 169 yards and 2 scores.
Receiver Muhsin Muhammad called the team blessed. "Allah is guiding this team. His hand is on everything we do."
When asked if the upcoming game with defending champ Spartan Lions was a test for this team, Muhammad said no. "As Muhammad, blessed is his name, said- 'And you must rip the heads off of the vanquisher, and shit down his throat.' And so it will be next Sunday."
Despite the mood in the winning locker room, this was a game Smooth Shaft could have easily won. Once again starting less players than the opponent, the Shaft played a tight game but fell short in the end. One can only wonder if they had played even numbers, if they could have pulled this out, which would have drastically altered the landscape, dropping the Big Brown Sharks into a 4-way tie with the Meins, Hokay Hoslap, and Chubby's In.
Shaft Quarterback Marc Bulger played his best game of the season (328 yards, 3 touchdowns), as did receiver Torry Holt (102 yards, 1 TD) and running back DeShaun Foster (105 yards, 1 TD). "We were just outnumbered," Holt said.
"A loss is a loss," Bulger added. "But you can't help but feel that this is one we could have won."
***
Craigulators Win First; Hair Still Winless
Final Score: Craigulators 105.87, BLOOD TEETH AND HAIR 105.33
The game between the league's only remaining teams without a win ended up being a close-fought affair, and ultimately more entertaining than any of the other games on tap. But in true heartbreak fashion, Blood, Teeth, and Hair lost by mere fractions of a point. Of further discouragement is that, had they played most of the other teams in the league, Hair would have emerged victorious.
In the aftermath of a game in which they had left everything on the field, the Hair locker room was understandably downtrodden. "We did our best, but it wasn't quite good enough," Santana Moss said. Moss absolutely erupted this week, emerging from his funk with an awe-inspiring performance (138 yards, 3 TDs). But it was undercut by Frank "Banana Hands" Gore, who continued his fumbled-plagued campaign (79 yards, 2 fumbles).
The mood in the Craigulators locker room was one of giddy relief. The 3-headed running back trio of Kevin Jones (93 yards, 2 TDs), Willis McGahee (78 yards, 1 TD), and Todd Jones (98 yards, 2 TDs) led the charge for the Craigulators. Obviously relieved by his team's performance, Owner/GM/Head Coach Craig Roggenbuck slumped wearily on the john, having literally crapped himself after his team came back and eked out the narrow victory. "The first time is always the hardest, you know. Now that we have figured out how to score, watch out."
*
Meins Slapped, Lose First Game
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (3-1) 115.23, Main Meins (3-1) 104.40
In a possible preview of post-season action, the Hokay Hoslap team dominated early and held on for the win, dropping the Main Meins to 3-1 on the season. Running back Larry Johnson (101 yards, 2 TDs), quarterback Peyton Manning (217 yards, 2 TDs), and the defense (2 fumble recoverys, 4 sacks, 2 INTs, 1 TD) combined for 69 fantasy points, almost more than some entire teams in week 4 (Dez Nuts, Chubby's In, and LanceBass AssPirates). Johnson ran like Jamal "JailBait" Lewis was chasing him with a tube of baby oil, juking and dancing across the field and leading Hoslap with 26.2 fantasy points.
"The [Main Meins] will try to say it was close, and that if McNabb played in the 4th they could have won," Johnson said. "But that is bullshit man. We had their number, they were hit. If McNabb wasn't such a wuss he would have been out there in the 4th, with the game on the line. He is too preoccupied with shooting his Chunky Soup commercials. I think his mamma needs to lay off that soup, yo."
When told of Johnson's comments, Meins quarterback Donovan McNabb declined to comment on his sitting out of the 4th, but did stick up for his mother. "I'm not gonna get into that with him. But you know what they say, the camera adds 15 pounds." No word on just how many cameras were on Momma 'Chunky' McNabb.
For his part, McNabb played like a demon throwing for 288 yards and two TDs, and rushing for 47 yards and another 2 TDs. And for the second week in a row, running back Clinton Portis ran wild (112 yards, 1 TD). But it was not enough to vanquish Hoslap, who despite from their week 1 loss to the Big Brown Sharks, have looked very impressive.
***
Lions Roar
Final Score: Spartan Lions (2-2) 87.13, Dez Nuts (2-2) 70.13
It was a game they were supposed to lose, but instead, the defending champion Spartan Lions rose to the occasion and kicked the upstart Dez Nuts in the nads, pulling themselves to 2-2 on the year.
"If we had lost this game," crossing-dressing wide receiver/tight end Marquis Colston (132 yards, 1 TD) said, "it would have been disastrous. We'd be down at the bottom of the league. But now we are in the thick of it. Next week is huge."
If the Spartan Lions can pull out a victory in week 5, that would indeed be huge, as it would put the Lions only a game back on the first-place Brown Sharks, a near miracle considering their sluggish start.
The real story of this game, however, was the missed opportunity for Nuts to move to 3-1 and stay at the top of the pack. "This was a very winnable game," running back Warrick Dunn said, "but we blew it."
The stars in their previous wins, RBs Dunn (65 yards), Edge James (72 yards), and Chester Taylor (51 yards), disappointed, and that ultimately was the key to this loss.
***
AssPirates Sunk
Final Score: Chubby's In (3-1) 71.03, LanceBass AssPirates (1-3) 46.90
The really good teams win the games they are supposed to. This one had blow-out written all over it, and Chubby's In did not falter, taking advantage of a bewildered LanceBass AssPirates team on the verge of mutiny. This one could have been even worse, but star running back Brian Westbrook did not play a down, sitting out with his tender knee.
Fellow RB Lamont Jordan made up for his absence, playing to his normal level for the first time all season (128 yards, 1 TD).
For the AssPirates, this game was just another in a string of sloppy, uninspired performances. Drama Queen Terrell Owens, fresh off his attempted suicide, finished with 88 yards receiving, and had one apparent touchdown called back.
"The way we are playing," TO said, "it is a miracle that we won a game. Seriously."
***
Maulers Falter
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil (2-2) 83.44, Midland Maulers (2-2) 78.77
The really good teams win the games they are supposed to. After this game, one wonders if the Midland Maulers fall within that classification of a 'good' team. This was a game they should have won, against an opponent ripe for the kill. But instead, the Maulers kept up their Jeckel-and-Hide performance, and lost to Tiorted Snoil, falling to 2-2 on the year.
It was a huge victory for Snoil, who now finds themselves back in the thick of the playoff hunt. Stud rookie running back Maroney dominated this game (125 yards, 2 TDs), more than making up for Kurt Warner's terrible outing (128 yards, 1 INT, 1 fumble).
"I feel like this is some kind of test," Warner said. "These are the dark days the Bible talks about, and I feel Jesus is trying my soul for the days ahead. 'Lo though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no defensive linemen.' Amen."
Maulers running back Rudi Johnson was unusually quiet after this loss. Johnson did his part (91 yards, 1 TD), but did not get enough help and that ultimately doomed the team.
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (4-0) 96.23, Smooth Shaft (1-3) 90.53
There was no champagne to mark the occasion. Gone were the cigars and party hats from the previous weeks, when the Big Brown Sharks were shocking the football world. Instead, chants of "Number 1! Number 1!" rang through the locker room.
As they had done all season, the Big Brown Sharks won again, squeaking out 6 point win, thanks in part to questionable personnel decisions by Smooth Shaft GM Jerome. The only other undefeated team, the Main Meins, had lost, leaving the Brown Sharks alone atop the summit.
The team's top 2 running backs, Julius Jones and Steven Jackson, powered the offense, the former running for 122 yards and a touchdown, and the latter gaining 146 all-purpose yards and a touchdown. And quarterback Jake Delhomme finally played to his potential, throwing for 169 yards and 2 scores.
Receiver Muhsin Muhammad called the team blessed. "Allah is guiding this team. His hand is on everything we do."
When asked if the upcoming game with defending champ Spartan Lions was a test for this team, Muhammad said no. "As Muhammad, blessed is his name, said- 'And you must rip the heads off of the vanquisher, and shit down his throat.' And so it will be next Sunday."
Despite the mood in the winning locker room, this was a game Smooth Shaft could have easily won. Once again starting less players than the opponent, the Shaft played a tight game but fell short in the end. One can only wonder if they had played even numbers, if they could have pulled this out, which would have drastically altered the landscape, dropping the Big Brown Sharks into a 4-way tie with the Meins, Hokay Hoslap, and Chubby's In.
Shaft Quarterback Marc Bulger played his best game of the season (328 yards, 3 touchdowns), as did receiver Torry Holt (102 yards, 1 TD) and running back DeShaun Foster (105 yards, 1 TD). "We were just outnumbered," Holt said.
"A loss is a loss," Bulger added. "But you can't help but feel that this is one we could have won."
***
Craigulators Win First; Hair Still Winless
Final Score: Craigulators 105.87, BLOOD TEETH AND HAIR 105.33
The game between the league's only remaining teams without a win ended up being a close-fought affair, and ultimately more entertaining than any of the other games on tap. But in true heartbreak fashion, Blood, Teeth, and Hair lost by mere fractions of a point. Of further discouragement is that, had they played most of the other teams in the league, Hair would have emerged victorious.
In the aftermath of a game in which they had left everything on the field, the Hair locker room was understandably downtrodden. "We did our best, but it wasn't quite good enough," Santana Moss said. Moss absolutely erupted this week, emerging from his funk with an awe-inspiring performance (138 yards, 3 TDs). But it was undercut by Frank "Banana Hands" Gore, who continued his fumbled-plagued campaign (79 yards, 2 fumbles).
The mood in the Craigulators locker room was one of giddy relief. The 3-headed running back trio of Kevin Jones (93 yards, 2 TDs), Willis McGahee (78 yards, 1 TD), and Todd Jones (98 yards, 2 TDs) led the charge for the Craigulators. Obviously relieved by his team's performance, Owner/GM/Head Coach Craig Roggenbuck slumped wearily on the john, having literally crapped himself after his team came back and eked out the narrow victory. "The first time is always the hardest, you know. Now that we have figured out how to score, watch out."
*
Meins Slapped, Lose First Game
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (3-1) 115.23, Main Meins (3-1) 104.40
In a possible preview of post-season action, the Hokay Hoslap team dominated early and held on for the win, dropping the Main Meins to 3-1 on the season. Running back Larry Johnson (101 yards, 2 TDs), quarterback Peyton Manning (217 yards, 2 TDs), and the defense (2 fumble recoverys, 4 sacks, 2 INTs, 1 TD) combined for 69 fantasy points, almost more than some entire teams in week 4 (Dez Nuts, Chubby's In, and LanceBass AssPirates). Johnson ran like Jamal "JailBait" Lewis was chasing him with a tube of baby oil, juking and dancing across the field and leading Hoslap with 26.2 fantasy points.
"The [Main Meins] will try to say it was close, and that if McNabb played in the 4th they could have won," Johnson said. "But that is bullshit man. We had their number, they were hit. If McNabb wasn't such a wuss he would have been out there in the 4th, with the game on the line. He is too preoccupied with shooting his Chunky Soup commercials. I think his mamma needs to lay off that soup, yo."
When told of Johnson's comments, Meins quarterback Donovan McNabb declined to comment on his sitting out of the 4th, but did stick up for his mother. "I'm not gonna get into that with him. But you know what they say, the camera adds 15 pounds." No word on just how many cameras were on Momma 'Chunky' McNabb.
For his part, McNabb played like a demon throwing for 288 yards and two TDs, and rushing for 47 yards and another 2 TDs. And for the second week in a row, running back Clinton Portis ran wild (112 yards, 1 TD). But it was not enough to vanquish Hoslap, who despite from their week 1 loss to the Big Brown Sharks, have looked very impressive.
***
Lions Roar
Final Score: Spartan Lions (2-2) 87.13, Dez Nuts (2-2) 70.13
It was a game they were supposed to lose, but instead, the defending champion Spartan Lions rose to the occasion and kicked the upstart Dez Nuts in the nads, pulling themselves to 2-2 on the year.
"If we had lost this game," crossing-dressing wide receiver/tight end Marquis Colston (132 yards, 1 TD) said, "it would have been disastrous. We'd be down at the bottom of the league. But now we are in the thick of it. Next week is huge."
If the Spartan Lions can pull out a victory in week 5, that would indeed be huge, as it would put the Lions only a game back on the first-place Brown Sharks, a near miracle considering their sluggish start.
The real story of this game, however, was the missed opportunity for Nuts to move to 3-1 and stay at the top of the pack. "This was a very winnable game," running back Warrick Dunn said, "but we blew it."
The stars in their previous wins, RBs Dunn (65 yards), Edge James (72 yards), and Chester Taylor (51 yards), disappointed, and that ultimately was the key to this loss.
***
AssPirates Sunk
Final Score: Chubby's In (3-1) 71.03, LanceBass AssPirates (1-3) 46.90
The really good teams win the games they are supposed to. This one had blow-out written all over it, and Chubby's In did not falter, taking advantage of a bewildered LanceBass AssPirates team on the verge of mutiny. This one could have been even worse, but star running back Brian Westbrook did not play a down, sitting out with his tender knee.
Fellow RB Lamont Jordan made up for his absence, playing to his normal level for the first time all season (128 yards, 1 TD).
For the AssPirates, this game was just another in a string of sloppy, uninspired performances. Drama Queen Terrell Owens, fresh off his attempted suicide, finished with 88 yards receiving, and had one apparent touchdown called back.
"The way we are playing," TO said, "it is a miracle that we won a game. Seriously."
***
Maulers Falter
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil (2-2) 83.44, Midland Maulers (2-2) 78.77
The really good teams win the games they are supposed to. After this game, one wonders if the Midland Maulers fall within that classification of a 'good' team. This was a game they should have won, against an opponent ripe for the kill. But instead, the Maulers kept up their Jeckel-and-Hide performance, and lost to Tiorted Snoil, falling to 2-2 on the year.
It was a huge victory for Snoil, who now finds themselves back in the thick of the playoff hunt. Stud rookie running back Maroney dominated this game (125 yards, 2 TDs), more than making up for Kurt Warner's terrible outing (128 yards, 1 INT, 1 fumble).
"I feel like this is some kind of test," Warner said. "These are the dark days the Bible talks about, and I feel Jesus is trying my soul for the days ahead. 'Lo though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no defensive linemen.' Amen."
Maulers running back Rudi Johnson was unusually quiet after this loss. Johnson did his part (91 yards, 1 TD), but did not get enough help and that ultimately doomed the team.
Labels: Headlines
¶ 10:58 AM 0 Comments
Monday, October 2, 2006
Headlines - Week 3 2006
Maulers Mauled, Brown Sharks Still Unbeaten
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (3-0) 95.87, Midland Maulers (2-1) 88.67
It was a fall classic in every sense of the word, with two unbeaten teams fighting to remain atop the leader board. But what looked like an early rout turned into a nail-biter as the Midland Maulers erased a 40 point gap in the 4th quarter to single digits. But in the end, like their Owner and GM, the Midland Maulers came up short.
Willie Parker led the charge for the Sharks, recovering from his pitiful week 2 outing with an explosion - 146 total yards and 2 touchdowns (26.6 fantasy points). And for the second week in a row, WR Darrell Jackson had an outstanding game, pulling in 7 catches, for 57 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"We're only gonna get better," D Jax said after the game. "Jake is starting to come on now at quarterback. And our bench is deep. The sky is the limit for us."
Coach Vince Lombardi continued to preach patience, but was optimistic as well. "We've won 3 ball games now with- let's call it what it is- crap play from Delhomme. Once we start hitting on all cylinders, we will be very hard to beat."
Despite the win, there was an undercurrent of tension in the locker room. After opening up a huge lead early on the Maulers, the defense softened and the Maulers closed the gap quickly.
The narrow loss was of little consolation to the Maulers. Going into the game, the team felt good about their chances, including Owner/GM Torey Smith, who actually voiced a vote of confidence in his team this week, whereas in weeks past he has gone on record for the opponent. It remains to be seen if in light of the loss, Smith resorts to that tactic to motivate the team.
Coming into this game, the Maulers had largely been a two-act pony, getting the bulk of it's production from star RB Rudi Johnson and their stellar defense. But in the first game with only moderate production from those two, the Maulers lost, leaving one to wonder about the team's depth.
Quarterback Tom Brady (320 yards, 1 TD) and wide receiver Javon Walker (130 yards, 2 TDs) tried to make up for Rudi and the D, and indeed they led the charge from down 40 points to only 7. But it was too little, too late, and the Maulers perfect season is now blemished.
***
Meins Cruise
Final Score: Main Meins (3-0) 108.47, Craigulators (0-3) 88.43
Whatever coach Craig Roggenbuck said to his squad prior to the game worked, because his team came out and actually produced, putting up at least 20 more points then they had in their other previous outings. Gone was the lazy performance of the past 2 weeks, and for the first time this season, the Craigulators actually looked like a professional football team.
Unfortunately for the Craigulators, the Main Meins continued their early season dominance, routing the Craigulators by 20 points and leaving them winless on the year.
"It was a good team effort," quarterback Carson Palmer said after the game. "But good is not good enough against a team like the Meins."
It was not truly a team performance, however, as the Craigulators got the bulk of their production from 4 players - Palmer (193 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs), WR TJ Houshmandzadeh (94 yards, 2 TDs), and RBs Kevin Jones (125 total yards and 2 TDs) and Willis McGahee (150 yards rushing). If anything, this loss illustrated the lack of depth on the Craigulator roster, as there is no true #1 wide receiver on the team, and their 3rd RB is inconsistent (Thomas Jones).
To add further insult to injury, the Craigulators lost physical specimen Vernon Davis early in the contest. Davis was flexing, yelling, "Click, clack!" when he tripped over wide receiver Reggie Williams, who had been hiding under the bench, afraid to face the hard-hitting Meins. Davis broke his leg and will be out at least 4 weeks.
In a head-scratching move, GM Roggenbuck signed TE Desmond Clark to fill in for Davis. Clark is recovering from a foot injury suffered the same week, and showed up to his physical wearing a walking boot.
Ultimately, the GM is responsible for the level of talent on the field, but GM Roggenbuck declined to comment on his draft performance. Still, after a season where the Craigulators only won 4 games, this winless start has been discouraging to the fans, and if they keep up the dismal effort, the Craigulators will be playing in front of empty stands the rest of the year.
In the winning locker room, the story of the day was star running back Clinton Portis, back for the first time since suffering a shoulder injury in the preseason. Portis went off, going for 164 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Quarterback Donovan McNabb also kept up his strong start, throwing for 296 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Already, some in the locker room are looking forward to week 8, when the Meins play the only other remaining undefeated team, the Big Brown Sharks. "I don't know if we'll all still be undefeated," McNabb said, "but that is shaping up to be a title bout. A heavyweight battle. Mano a mano. Like two big, sweaty men lathered up in baby oil and wrestling over the last pork chop.
"Damn, I get hungry just thinking about it."
***
Bloody Nuts
Final Score: Dez Nuts (2-1) 97.10, Blood Teeth and Hair (0-3) 77.27
Fresh off their disappointing loss to the Mein Mains last week, Dez Nuts refocused and let 'em hang, easily defeating the Blood Teeth and Hair squad by 20 points.
In a surprise move, Nuts QB Drew Bledsoe was benched, and Jon Kitna took the reins. It turned out to be the right move, as Kitna directed the assault through the air, throwing for 342 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Nuts also got production from star receiver Steve Smith, playing for the first time since injuring his hamstring in the preseason. Smith went off on their hapless opponent, making 7 grabs for 112 yards.
Blood, Teeth and Hair played a solid game, and got decent production all around. But no one stepped up to assert himself, and in the cutthroat 4th and 20 league, that is suicide. Running back Frank Gore, an absolute STUD the first two weeks, was merely mortal in this effort, going for 74 total yards. Gore kept up his fumble streak alive, losing 2 balls in the contest.
Kicker John Carney, Hair's best player on the day (3 FGs, 2 PATs), was furious. "This is absolute crap, man. Look at our roster - we fricking suck! Our #2 wide receiver is Arnaz Battle? What the hell!"
The comments were overheard, and the team, led by Gore, dragged the kicker into the shower. Screams could be heard, and someone yelled, "No Vaseline!"
Finally, someone on the Blood, Teeth, and Hair team scored.
***
AssPirates Lanced
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (2-1) 91.40, LanceBass AssPirates (1-2) 58.50
In what is starting to become commonplace for this franchise, the LanceBass AssPirates were utterly destroyed, losing to the Hokay Hoslap team by 33 points. Quarterback Peyton Manning led the assault (219 yards, 1 TD passing, 1 TD rushing), and also got help from receivers Roy Williams (138 yards, 1 TD) and Braylon Edwards (116 yards, 1 TD).
Edwards, part of a 3-way trade prior to the season that sent Muhsin Muhammad to the Brown Sharks and TJ Duckett to the Main Meins, had this to say. "They [Big Brown Sharks] doubted me, what I could do. Whether my knee was recovered. And they sent me off for a 30-something has-been from f'n Michigan State." Edwards made a kicking motion. "Next time we play, we're gonna kick that ass."
The real story for the AssPirates was not what occurred during the game, but the startling events after. Apparently, the season is looking so bleak for the AssPirates that star wide receiver Terrell Owens reportedly attempted to take his own life.
The day after the game, Owens was found passed out in his bathtub, wearing a wedding dress and full makeup (ala Dennis Rodman). An empty bottle of pills and three bottles of Jack Daniels floated in the tub, and a toaster oven was found underneath the Sesame Street bubbles (luckily, the toaster was unplugged). A 9mm pistol and a razor blade knife were also found near the tub.
Former 'N Sync member and team spokesman Lance Bass offered this statement. "It is all a misunderstanding. Terrell is a big, strong, healthy, well-muscled, sweaty, dream-inducing black man, and he is too beautiful to attempt suicide. He accidentally mixed the pills with his steroids, I mean his natural supplements."
Regardless of what did or did not happen with Owens, the AssPirates need to rally together, or by the end of the season, only spokesman Bass and kicker Jay Feely will remain.
***
Westbrook Huge for Chubby
Final Score: Chubby's In (2-1) 97.37, Tiorted Snoil (1-2) 76.03
Chubby's In ran roughshod over the Tiorted Snoil team, cutting a mile wide path down their butt and leaving the Snoil team dazed and confused.
Despite questions over the health of his knee, Brian Westbrook absolutely dominated in this game, posting huge numbers on the day - 164 total yards and 2 touchdowns. And quarterback Matt Hasselbeck finally woke up from his slumber, tossing the pigskin with ease and accuracy (227 yards, 5 TDs, 3 INTs). In the end, all the Snoil team could do was lie down, assume the fetal position, and wait for the storm to pass.
"My knee is fine," Westbrook said. "I just keep eatin' my Wheaties man, and drinking milk. My grandma's osteoporosis medicine has helped too."
The season is still young, but Chubby is looking like a strong contender to not only make the playoffs, but to go far, joining the unbeaten Brown Sharks and Main Meins, Dez Nuts, Hokay Hoslap, and the Midland Maulers as early teams to watch.
Quarterback and team spiritual guide Kurt Warner was absolutely horrendous for Snoil (256 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 1 fumble), as was RB Corey Dillon (16 yards rushing). The lone bright spot in an otherwise dismal performance was Tatum Bell, who rushed for 127 yards on 27 carries. But it was not nearly enough to make up for a team of so-so performances, and the Snoils lost another one.
"I need to pray for our season," Warner said. "I know God cares deeply about a bunch of guys who make millions just running around, acting like kids. He will answer my prayers. He will send angels to carry us to the promised land, the championship game. Just you watch and see."
Warner didn't say whether the Snoils would be playing in the game, or just watching it from the stands.
***
Lions Shafted
Final Score: Smooth Shaft (1-2) 71.00, Spartan Lions (1-2) 66.67
Playing with two less players, Smooth Shaft nonetheless managed to squeaked out their first win of the year, against the defending champs of all teams. It is debatable which is more surprising - that Shaft won the game going 7 vs 9, or that for the second time in this early season, the Spartan Lions have looked less like they will defending their title, and more like they will be fighting it out for the first draft pick of 2007.
Shaft star running back LaDainian Tomlinson and kicker Mike Vanderjagt were both suspended during the week for an altercation involving a frozen turkey, a rabbi, and a stripper. They were both in uniform, but spent the game on the sidelines. No one started in their place.
Despite this, Shaft got enough production from quarterback Marc Bulger (309 yards, 1 touchdown) and receiver Torry Holt (120 yards, 1 touchdown) to snatch the win.
The real story of the game though was the lack of production from the champs, who are looking very beatable early in the year. Star receiver Chad Johnson (1 catch, 11 yards) was absent once again, as was rookie Mike Bell (12 yards rushing) and the much-vaunted defense.
The worst news for the Lions came after the game, when it was discovered the star running back Shaun Alexander had broken his foot. It is a potentially season-ending injury for Alexander, who was finally starting to come on for the Lions (69 total yards, 1 TD).
No word yet on whether or not Alexander owns a wedding dress.
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (3-0) 95.87, Midland Maulers (2-1) 88.67
It was a fall classic in every sense of the word, with two unbeaten teams fighting to remain atop the leader board. But what looked like an early rout turned into a nail-biter as the Midland Maulers erased a 40 point gap in the 4th quarter to single digits. But in the end, like their Owner and GM, the Midland Maulers came up short.
Willie Parker led the charge for the Sharks, recovering from his pitiful week 2 outing with an explosion - 146 total yards and 2 touchdowns (26.6 fantasy points). And for the second week in a row, WR Darrell Jackson had an outstanding game, pulling in 7 catches, for 57 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"We're only gonna get better," D Jax said after the game. "Jake is starting to come on now at quarterback. And our bench is deep. The sky is the limit for us."
Coach Vince Lombardi continued to preach patience, but was optimistic as well. "We've won 3 ball games now with- let's call it what it is- crap play from Delhomme. Once we start hitting on all cylinders, we will be very hard to beat."
Despite the win, there was an undercurrent of tension in the locker room. After opening up a huge lead early on the Maulers, the defense softened and the Maulers closed the gap quickly.
The narrow loss was of little consolation to the Maulers. Going into the game, the team felt good about their chances, including Owner/GM Torey Smith, who actually voiced a vote of confidence in his team this week, whereas in weeks past he has gone on record for the opponent. It remains to be seen if in light of the loss, Smith resorts to that tactic to motivate the team.
Coming into this game, the Maulers had largely been a two-act pony, getting the bulk of it's production from star RB Rudi Johnson and their stellar defense. But in the first game with only moderate production from those two, the Maulers lost, leaving one to wonder about the team's depth.
Quarterback Tom Brady (320 yards, 1 TD) and wide receiver Javon Walker (130 yards, 2 TDs) tried to make up for Rudi and the D, and indeed they led the charge from down 40 points to only 7. But it was too little, too late, and the Maulers perfect season is now blemished.
***
Meins Cruise
Final Score: Main Meins (3-0) 108.47, Craigulators (0-3) 88.43
Whatever coach Craig Roggenbuck said to his squad prior to the game worked, because his team came out and actually produced, putting up at least 20 more points then they had in their other previous outings. Gone was the lazy performance of the past 2 weeks, and for the first time this season, the Craigulators actually looked like a professional football team.
Unfortunately for the Craigulators, the Main Meins continued their early season dominance, routing the Craigulators by 20 points and leaving them winless on the year.
"It was a good team effort," quarterback Carson Palmer said after the game. "But good is not good enough against a team like the Meins."
It was not truly a team performance, however, as the Craigulators got the bulk of their production from 4 players - Palmer (193 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs), WR TJ Houshmandzadeh (94 yards, 2 TDs), and RBs Kevin Jones (125 total yards and 2 TDs) and Willis McGahee (150 yards rushing). If anything, this loss illustrated the lack of depth on the Craigulator roster, as there is no true #1 wide receiver on the team, and their 3rd RB is inconsistent (Thomas Jones).
To add further insult to injury, the Craigulators lost physical specimen Vernon Davis early in the contest. Davis was flexing, yelling, "Click, clack!" when he tripped over wide receiver Reggie Williams, who had been hiding under the bench, afraid to face the hard-hitting Meins. Davis broke his leg and will be out at least 4 weeks.
In a head-scratching move, GM Roggenbuck signed TE Desmond Clark to fill in for Davis. Clark is recovering from a foot injury suffered the same week, and showed up to his physical wearing a walking boot.
Ultimately, the GM is responsible for the level of talent on the field, but GM Roggenbuck declined to comment on his draft performance. Still, after a season where the Craigulators only won 4 games, this winless start has been discouraging to the fans, and if they keep up the dismal effort, the Craigulators will be playing in front of empty stands the rest of the year.
In the winning locker room, the story of the day was star running back Clinton Portis, back for the first time since suffering a shoulder injury in the preseason. Portis went off, going for 164 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Quarterback Donovan McNabb also kept up his strong start, throwing for 296 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Already, some in the locker room are looking forward to week 8, when the Meins play the only other remaining undefeated team, the Big Brown Sharks. "I don't know if we'll all still be undefeated," McNabb said, "but that is shaping up to be a title bout. A heavyweight battle. Mano a mano. Like two big, sweaty men lathered up in baby oil and wrestling over the last pork chop.
"Damn, I get hungry just thinking about it."
***
Bloody Nuts
Final Score: Dez Nuts (2-1) 97.10, Blood Teeth and Hair (0-3) 77.27
Fresh off their disappointing loss to the Mein Mains last week, Dez Nuts refocused and let 'em hang, easily defeating the Blood Teeth and Hair squad by 20 points.
In a surprise move, Nuts QB Drew Bledsoe was benched, and Jon Kitna took the reins. It turned out to be the right move, as Kitna directed the assault through the air, throwing for 342 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Nuts also got production from star receiver Steve Smith, playing for the first time since injuring his hamstring in the preseason. Smith went off on their hapless opponent, making 7 grabs for 112 yards.
Blood, Teeth and Hair played a solid game, and got decent production all around. But no one stepped up to assert himself, and in the cutthroat 4th and 20 league, that is suicide. Running back Frank Gore, an absolute STUD the first two weeks, was merely mortal in this effort, going for 74 total yards. Gore kept up his fumble streak alive, losing 2 balls in the contest.
Kicker John Carney, Hair's best player on the day (3 FGs, 2 PATs), was furious. "This is absolute crap, man. Look at our roster - we fricking suck! Our #2 wide receiver is Arnaz Battle? What the hell!"
The comments were overheard, and the team, led by Gore, dragged the kicker into the shower. Screams could be heard, and someone yelled, "No Vaseline!"
Finally, someone on the Blood, Teeth, and Hair team scored.
***
AssPirates Lanced
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (2-1) 91.40, LanceBass AssPirates (1-2) 58.50
In what is starting to become commonplace for this franchise, the LanceBass AssPirates were utterly destroyed, losing to the Hokay Hoslap team by 33 points. Quarterback Peyton Manning led the assault (219 yards, 1 TD passing, 1 TD rushing), and also got help from receivers Roy Williams (138 yards, 1 TD) and Braylon Edwards (116 yards, 1 TD).
Edwards, part of a 3-way trade prior to the season that sent Muhsin Muhammad to the Brown Sharks and TJ Duckett to the Main Meins, had this to say. "They [Big Brown Sharks] doubted me, what I could do. Whether my knee was recovered. And they sent me off for a 30-something has-been from f'n Michigan State." Edwards made a kicking motion. "Next time we play, we're gonna kick that ass."
The real story for the AssPirates was not what occurred during the game, but the startling events after. Apparently, the season is looking so bleak for the AssPirates that star wide receiver Terrell Owens reportedly attempted to take his own life.
The day after the game, Owens was found passed out in his bathtub, wearing a wedding dress and full makeup (ala Dennis Rodman). An empty bottle of pills and three bottles of Jack Daniels floated in the tub, and a toaster oven was found underneath the Sesame Street bubbles (luckily, the toaster was unplugged). A 9mm pistol and a razor blade knife were also found near the tub.
Former 'N Sync member and team spokesman Lance Bass offered this statement. "It is all a misunderstanding. Terrell is a big, strong, healthy, well-muscled, sweaty, dream-inducing black man, and he is too beautiful to attempt suicide. He accidentally mixed the pills with his steroids, I mean his natural supplements."
Regardless of what did or did not happen with Owens, the AssPirates need to rally together, or by the end of the season, only spokesman Bass and kicker Jay Feely will remain.
***
Westbrook Huge for Chubby
Final Score: Chubby's In (2-1) 97.37, Tiorted Snoil (1-2) 76.03
Chubby's In ran roughshod over the Tiorted Snoil team, cutting a mile wide path down their butt and leaving the Snoil team dazed and confused.
Despite questions over the health of his knee, Brian Westbrook absolutely dominated in this game, posting huge numbers on the day - 164 total yards and 2 touchdowns. And quarterback Matt Hasselbeck finally woke up from his slumber, tossing the pigskin with ease and accuracy (227 yards, 5 TDs, 3 INTs). In the end, all the Snoil team could do was lie down, assume the fetal position, and wait for the storm to pass.
"My knee is fine," Westbrook said. "I just keep eatin' my Wheaties man, and drinking milk. My grandma's osteoporosis medicine has helped too."
The season is still young, but Chubby is looking like a strong contender to not only make the playoffs, but to go far, joining the unbeaten Brown Sharks and Main Meins, Dez Nuts, Hokay Hoslap, and the Midland Maulers as early teams to watch.
Quarterback and team spiritual guide Kurt Warner was absolutely horrendous for Snoil (256 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 1 fumble), as was RB Corey Dillon (16 yards rushing). The lone bright spot in an otherwise dismal performance was Tatum Bell, who rushed for 127 yards on 27 carries. But it was not nearly enough to make up for a team of so-so performances, and the Snoils lost another one.
"I need to pray for our season," Warner said. "I know God cares deeply about a bunch of guys who make millions just running around, acting like kids. He will answer my prayers. He will send angels to carry us to the promised land, the championship game. Just you watch and see."
Warner didn't say whether the Snoils would be playing in the game, or just watching it from the stands.
***
Lions Shafted
Final Score: Smooth Shaft (1-2) 71.00, Spartan Lions (1-2) 66.67
Playing with two less players, Smooth Shaft nonetheless managed to squeaked out their first win of the year, against the defending champs of all teams. It is debatable which is more surprising - that Shaft won the game going 7 vs 9, or that for the second time in this early season, the Spartan Lions have looked less like they will defending their title, and more like they will be fighting it out for the first draft pick of 2007.
Shaft star running back LaDainian Tomlinson and kicker Mike Vanderjagt were both suspended during the week for an altercation involving a frozen turkey, a rabbi, and a stripper. They were both in uniform, but spent the game on the sidelines. No one started in their place.
Despite this, Shaft got enough production from quarterback Marc Bulger (309 yards, 1 touchdown) and receiver Torry Holt (120 yards, 1 touchdown) to snatch the win.
The real story of the game though was the lack of production from the champs, who are looking very beatable early in the year. Star receiver Chad Johnson (1 catch, 11 yards) was absent once again, as was rookie Mike Bell (12 yards rushing) and the much-vaunted defense.
The worst news for the Lions came after the game, when it was discovered the star running back Shaun Alexander had broken his foot. It is a potentially season-ending injury for Alexander, who was finally starting to come on for the Lions (69 total yards, 1 TD).
No word yet on whether or not Alexander owns a wedding dress.
Labels: Headlines
¶ 10:52 AM 0 Comments
Monday, September 25, 2006
Headlines - Week 2 2006
Brown Sharks Roll
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 86.73, Chubby's In 67.37
In the smoke-filled locker room after the game, none puffed on his stogie harder than wide receiver Darrell Jackson. Coming off a year shortened by a knee injury, there were rumors around the league that D Jax was done. And his performance in week 1 (5 receptions, 47 yards) only gave credence to his critics. But for this past Sunday at least, Jackson was back to his old antics, hauling in 5 receptions for 127 yards and a touchdown.
"I don't listen to any of that bullshit, man," Jackson said afterwards as he soaked his knee in an ice bath. Despite obvious appearances, Jackson claimed, "my knee is strong, I am healthy."
Coach Vince Lombardi was cautiously optimistic. "The kid played real good today, but we need to see if the knee holds up."
Of cause for other concern, for the second week in a row, quarterback Jake Delhomme drastically under produced, prompting the team to bring in Brett Favre and Chad Pennington for tryouts. In the end, neither QB was signed. For better or worse, the team is sticking with Jake.
"Why not," Coach Lombardi said. "We're 2 and 0. You don't tinker with success."
The surprising Midland Maulers loom on the schedule for the Brown Sharks, one of the 3 remaining undefeated teams (the other, the Main Meins).
The attitude in the Chubby's In locker room was one of utter disappointment. "We were in this game, could have won it," Brian Westbrook said. "But we let it slip away." The loss was no fault of Westbrook's, one of the lone bright spots in an otherwise dismal performance (124 total yards, 1 TD) by the team.
For the second week in a row, Chubby's star running back was absent. Lamar Jordan finished with only 35 yards rushing, bringing his total after 2 games to a meager 55 yards.
Jordan declined to comment on his performance, instead skipping a shower and driving home in his uniform.
Matt Hasselbeck had this to offer. "There is no question, he needs to play better. We all do. Every man in this room needs to take a look in the mirror." Hasselbeck started the day strong, but a pair of interceptions spoiled his outing (221 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs).
***
Nuts Checked
Final Score: Main Meins 90.37, Dez Nuts 86.00
This one had the feel of a postseason game as two of last year's playoff teams battled it out to remain undefeated. And the game lived up to the hype, going down to the wire.
Defense was an afterthought in this shoot-out, but when the dust settled, Dez Nuts ran out of ammo and was gunned down in the street like a no-good, two-bit, criminal and Main Meins was the posse-leading sheriff.
Once again, Donovan McNabb was the main man for the Meins, throwing for 350 yards and 2 touchdowns. Plaxico Burress was the main recipient, catching 6 balls for 114 yards and a touchdown.
All-Universe rookie Reggie Bush (73 total yards), summed it up for the team. "They ain't got nothing on deez nuts," he said, grabbing himself.
For Nuts, the trio of running backs all contributed, as Edge (97 all-purpose yards), Chester Taylor (128 all-purpose yards), and Warrick Dunn (134 yards rushing) led the charge. Quarterback Drew Bledsoe also rebounded from his sub par week 1 performance, throwing for 237 yards and 2 touchdowns.
It was not enough, and in the end, the Main Meins were the ones riding off into the sunset.
***
Lions Feast on Blood, Teeth, and Hair
Final Score: Spartan Lions 98.37, Blood Teeth and Hair 91.77
After a week 1 hiatus, the defending champs came to play. Unfortunately for them, so did the Blood, Teeth and Hair squad. It was a knock-out, drag-down, back-alley brawl, and after taking a number of shots to the groin, the Spartan Lions managed to limp away with the victory.
Lions quarterback Eli Manning led the effort, throwing for 371 yards and 3 touchdowns. Star running back Shaun Alexander bounced back from a disappointing week 1 outing, running for 89 yards and a touchdown.
The ageless one, Rod Smith said, "Hey, like Mike Bell said last week. Until someone comes in here and takes it from us, we are still the champs." Smith didn't stick around for further comment, needing to get to Denny's before 5 to get his AARP discount.
The Blood Teeth and Hair locker room was quiet after the game. Quarterback Drew Brees, promoted to the starting position after Aaron Brooks' horrendous outing week 1 (Brooks was cut immediately following the game), said, "It's definitely frustrating. We've played well both weeks, and to be 0 and 2… it's tough."
Brees did his part to lead the team, throwing for 353 yards and 2 touchdowns. And for the second consecutive week, running back Frank Gore was an absolute beast, tearing up field and assholes alike en route to 137 total yards and a touchdown. Fumblitis was a problem for Gore again, however, as he coughed up the ball twice.
"I've got small hands," Gore said. "I'm not used to handling anything that big."
*
AssPirates Mount Craigulators
Final Score: LanceBass AssPirates 80.23, Craigulators 67.23
For the second straight week, the Craigulators showed no desire and lost a very winnable game, letting the LanceBass AssPirates run roughshod all over them.
"Guys need to step-up," quarterback Carson Palmer said after the game. "This is a team game, and we can't win without a full effort from everybody."
For his part, Palmer threw for 352 yards and 2 touchdowns, but even his performance was marred by 2 interceptions.
Stud rookie Vernon Davis, simply said, "Click, clack! I think I hear them coming." He then posed and tried to look hard for the cameras.
From the outside looking in, it seems that only after two games, the Craigulators are coming apart at the seams. Craigulators Owner/GM/Coach Craig Roggenbuck did not take the blame for his team's disinterest, and instead called out the waterboy. "He did a really shitty job today. I mean, come on. There were at least a dozen occasions where I was thirsty and the little shit was no where to be seen."
On the other side of the hall, the AssPirates were whooping and hollering, giddily chasing each other around and snapping towels. An impromptu game of smear-the-queer broke out, and kicker Jay Feely ended up at the bottom of the pile.
Deuce McAllister was the big dog today for the AssPirates, rushing for 47 yards and a pair of touchdowns.
Terrell Owens, quiet with only 3 catches for 19 yards, broke his finger during the game. Despite the injury, TO indicated he would be ready to play next week. "It's only a finger, man. I've got 9 others. Besides, even with one less finger, I'm still better than any other receiver."
***
Snoil Foiled
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap 111.63, Tiorted Snoil 89.90
After a week 1 ass-kicking, the Hokay Hoslap team came alive, lighting up the scoreboard and their opponent, Tiorted Snoil.
Hoslap quarterback Peyton Manning was phenomenal, throwing for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns. To put his performance in perspective, Manning almost had as many points (28.53) as Snoil's best two players combined (30.9 - Donald Driver: 16.9; Corey Dillon: 14).
Ever the gentleman, Manning declined the opportunity to showboat. Teammate Laveranues Coles did not. "We kicked their ass man. What the fuck is a snoil, anyway? Is that some kind of snail or some shit?" For the second consecutive week, Coles was a major contributor (6 catches, 100 yards, 1 touchdown). The main difference this week is that he got some help from the team's big guns.
The Snoil locker room was quiet and disappointed following the game. "It's weird," quarterback Kurt Warner said. "We played like crap last week but won, and this week we played good but lost. I understand it is all part of the Lord's plan, but sometimes you gotta scratch your head and say, 'what the fuck?'."
Warner was solid in the effort (231 yards, 1 touchdown, 1 interception), and the team got good production across the board- Chris Chambers (55 yards, 1 touchdown), Driver (153 yards), LJ Smith (111 yards), and Dillon (80 yards, 1 touchdown) all put up good numbers.
In the end, good was not good enough for the Snoils, and they lost in a heartbreaker.
***
Shaft Mauled
Final Score: Midland Maulers 109.68, Smooth Shaft 74.27
For the second consecutive week, Midland Maulers GM Torey Smith was quoted in the media as saying his team would lose the coming match. And for the second consecutive week, his team proved its GM wrong with another trouncing, this time handing Smooth Shaft a 35 point loss.
Once again, running back Rudi Johnson was the most fired up by Smith's comments, rushing for 145 yards and 2 touchdowns. "Whatever man," Johnson said when asked about Smith. "As long as dude is writing my checks, I could give a fuck what he says."
The defense was huge again, as they registered 6 sacks, recovered a fumble, and picked off 3 passes.
For the Shafts, the loss drops them to 0 and 2 on the season. The team has yet to put together a full game, and until they do, they will likely continue losing.
LaDainian Tomlinson was once again the only real contributor for the Shafts, going off for 122 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Despite his personal success, Tomlinson was disappointed in the team's performance. "We didn't get it done today, by any means. We need to get back to the drawing board and figure something out here, or this is gonna be a long season."
Still, Tomlinson realized all was not completely lost. "When do we play the Craigulators? Hey, at least we will win that game."
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 86.73, Chubby's In 67.37
In the smoke-filled locker room after the game, none puffed on his stogie harder than wide receiver Darrell Jackson. Coming off a year shortened by a knee injury, there were rumors around the league that D Jax was done. And his performance in week 1 (5 receptions, 47 yards) only gave credence to his critics. But for this past Sunday at least, Jackson was back to his old antics, hauling in 5 receptions for 127 yards and a touchdown.
"I don't listen to any of that bullshit, man," Jackson said afterwards as he soaked his knee in an ice bath. Despite obvious appearances, Jackson claimed, "my knee is strong, I am healthy."
Coach Vince Lombardi was cautiously optimistic. "The kid played real good today, but we need to see if the knee holds up."
Of cause for other concern, for the second week in a row, quarterback Jake Delhomme drastically under produced, prompting the team to bring in Brett Favre and Chad Pennington for tryouts. In the end, neither QB was signed. For better or worse, the team is sticking with Jake.
"Why not," Coach Lombardi said. "We're 2 and 0. You don't tinker with success."
The surprising Midland Maulers loom on the schedule for the Brown Sharks, one of the 3 remaining undefeated teams (the other, the Main Meins).
The attitude in the Chubby's In locker room was one of utter disappointment. "We were in this game, could have won it," Brian Westbrook said. "But we let it slip away." The loss was no fault of Westbrook's, one of the lone bright spots in an otherwise dismal performance (124 total yards, 1 TD) by the team.
For the second week in a row, Chubby's star running back was absent. Lamar Jordan finished with only 35 yards rushing, bringing his total after 2 games to a meager 55 yards.
Jordan declined to comment on his performance, instead skipping a shower and driving home in his uniform.
Matt Hasselbeck had this to offer. "There is no question, he needs to play better. We all do. Every man in this room needs to take a look in the mirror." Hasselbeck started the day strong, but a pair of interceptions spoiled his outing (221 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs).
***
Nuts Checked
Final Score: Main Meins 90.37, Dez Nuts 86.00
This one had the feel of a postseason game as two of last year's playoff teams battled it out to remain undefeated. And the game lived up to the hype, going down to the wire.
Defense was an afterthought in this shoot-out, but when the dust settled, Dez Nuts ran out of ammo and was gunned down in the street like a no-good, two-bit, criminal and Main Meins was the posse-leading sheriff.
Once again, Donovan McNabb was the main man for the Meins, throwing for 350 yards and 2 touchdowns. Plaxico Burress was the main recipient, catching 6 balls for 114 yards and a touchdown.
All-Universe rookie Reggie Bush (73 total yards), summed it up for the team. "They ain't got nothing on deez nuts," he said, grabbing himself.
For Nuts, the trio of running backs all contributed, as Edge (97 all-purpose yards), Chester Taylor (128 all-purpose yards), and Warrick Dunn (134 yards rushing) led the charge. Quarterback Drew Bledsoe also rebounded from his sub par week 1 performance, throwing for 237 yards and 2 touchdowns.
It was not enough, and in the end, the Main Meins were the ones riding off into the sunset.
***
Lions Feast on Blood, Teeth, and Hair
Final Score: Spartan Lions 98.37, Blood Teeth and Hair 91.77
After a week 1 hiatus, the defending champs came to play. Unfortunately for them, so did the Blood, Teeth and Hair squad. It was a knock-out, drag-down, back-alley brawl, and after taking a number of shots to the groin, the Spartan Lions managed to limp away with the victory.
Lions quarterback Eli Manning led the effort, throwing for 371 yards and 3 touchdowns. Star running back Shaun Alexander bounced back from a disappointing week 1 outing, running for 89 yards and a touchdown.
The ageless one, Rod Smith said, "Hey, like Mike Bell said last week. Until someone comes in here and takes it from us, we are still the champs." Smith didn't stick around for further comment, needing to get to Denny's before 5 to get his AARP discount.
The Blood Teeth and Hair locker room was quiet after the game. Quarterback Drew Brees, promoted to the starting position after Aaron Brooks' horrendous outing week 1 (Brooks was cut immediately following the game), said, "It's definitely frustrating. We've played well both weeks, and to be 0 and 2… it's tough."
Brees did his part to lead the team, throwing for 353 yards and 2 touchdowns. And for the second consecutive week, running back Frank Gore was an absolute beast, tearing up field and assholes alike en route to 137 total yards and a touchdown. Fumblitis was a problem for Gore again, however, as he coughed up the ball twice.
"I've got small hands," Gore said. "I'm not used to handling anything that big."
*
AssPirates Mount Craigulators
Final Score: LanceBass AssPirates 80.23, Craigulators 67.23
For the second straight week, the Craigulators showed no desire and lost a very winnable game, letting the LanceBass AssPirates run roughshod all over them.
"Guys need to step-up," quarterback Carson Palmer said after the game. "This is a team game, and we can't win without a full effort from everybody."
For his part, Palmer threw for 352 yards and 2 touchdowns, but even his performance was marred by 2 interceptions.
Stud rookie Vernon Davis, simply said, "Click, clack! I think I hear them coming." He then posed and tried to look hard for the cameras.
From the outside looking in, it seems that only after two games, the Craigulators are coming apart at the seams. Craigulators Owner/GM/Coach Craig Roggenbuck did not take the blame for his team's disinterest, and instead called out the waterboy. "He did a really shitty job today. I mean, come on. There were at least a dozen occasions where I was thirsty and the little shit was no where to be seen."
On the other side of the hall, the AssPirates were whooping and hollering, giddily chasing each other around and snapping towels. An impromptu game of smear-the-queer broke out, and kicker Jay Feely ended up at the bottom of the pile.
Deuce McAllister was the big dog today for the AssPirates, rushing for 47 yards and a pair of touchdowns.
Terrell Owens, quiet with only 3 catches for 19 yards, broke his finger during the game. Despite the injury, TO indicated he would be ready to play next week. "It's only a finger, man. I've got 9 others. Besides, even with one less finger, I'm still better than any other receiver."
***
Snoil Foiled
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap 111.63, Tiorted Snoil 89.90
After a week 1 ass-kicking, the Hokay Hoslap team came alive, lighting up the scoreboard and their opponent, Tiorted Snoil.
Hoslap quarterback Peyton Manning was phenomenal, throwing for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns. To put his performance in perspective, Manning almost had as many points (28.53) as Snoil's best two players combined (30.9 - Donald Driver: 16.9; Corey Dillon: 14).
Ever the gentleman, Manning declined the opportunity to showboat. Teammate Laveranues Coles did not. "We kicked their ass man. What the fuck is a snoil, anyway? Is that some kind of snail or some shit?" For the second consecutive week, Coles was a major contributor (6 catches, 100 yards, 1 touchdown). The main difference this week is that he got some help from the team's big guns.
The Snoil locker room was quiet and disappointed following the game. "It's weird," quarterback Kurt Warner said. "We played like crap last week but won, and this week we played good but lost. I understand it is all part of the Lord's plan, but sometimes you gotta scratch your head and say, 'what the fuck?'."
Warner was solid in the effort (231 yards, 1 touchdown, 1 interception), and the team got good production across the board- Chris Chambers (55 yards, 1 touchdown), Driver (153 yards), LJ Smith (111 yards), and Dillon (80 yards, 1 touchdown) all put up good numbers.
In the end, good was not good enough for the Snoils, and they lost in a heartbreaker.
***
Shaft Mauled
Final Score: Midland Maulers 109.68, Smooth Shaft 74.27
For the second consecutive week, Midland Maulers GM Torey Smith was quoted in the media as saying his team would lose the coming match. And for the second consecutive week, his team proved its GM wrong with another trouncing, this time handing Smooth Shaft a 35 point loss.
Once again, running back Rudi Johnson was the most fired up by Smith's comments, rushing for 145 yards and 2 touchdowns. "Whatever man," Johnson said when asked about Smith. "As long as dude is writing my checks, I could give a fuck what he says."
The defense was huge again, as they registered 6 sacks, recovered a fumble, and picked off 3 passes.
For the Shafts, the loss drops them to 0 and 2 on the season. The team has yet to put together a full game, and until they do, they will likely continue losing.
LaDainian Tomlinson was once again the only real contributor for the Shafts, going off for 122 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Despite his personal success, Tomlinson was disappointed in the team's performance. "We didn't get it done today, by any means. We need to get back to the drawing board and figure something out here, or this is gonna be a long season."
Still, Tomlinson realized all was not completely lost. "When do we play the Craigulators? Hey, at least we will win that game."
Labels: Headlines
¶ 10:45 AM 0 Comments
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Headlines - Week 1 2006
Hoslap Slapped, Sharks Win
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 108.1, Hokay Hoslap 90
Behind the steel leg of place-kicker Jeff Wilkins, the Big Brown Sharks got off to a rousing start with a 108-90 victory over the Hokay Hoslap squad. Wilkins converted on 6 or 7 field goal attempts, a franchise record for the second year team.
"He was kicking them long and straight," Brown Sharks coach Vince Lombardi had to say in the champagne-soaked locker room after the game. Some might have questioned the celebration as premature, but at 1-0, the Brown Sharks are undefeated for the first time in franchise history. Last year's squad looked built for a Championship run, but injuries and suspect play at QB torpedoed the season early on.
During the off-season, Brown Sharks GM Eric Pierce took a broom to the roster and rebuilt around the core. Not escaping the carnage was coach Lou Holtz, fired after just his first season. At the time, Pierce said, "I just felt that Lou spent too much time picking at the grass on the sideline, and not enough time coaching the team." After a solid draft this year, Pierce pulled the ultimate move, getting legendary coach Lombardi to return from the dead for another shot at the title. "I felt someone needed to light a fire under the team's ass," Pierce said. "And who better than a guy that's been there and won it. If Vince can't scare the team into performing, then who the hell can?"
Not every move was so reasonable, however. Despite erratic and disappointing play last season, Pierce brought Jake Delhomme back for another season behind center. Delhomme was back to his old antics on Sunday, throwing for only 186 yards and turning the ball over twice. Afterwards, Pierce had this to say. "We've got a lot of new faces around here, and everyone is not on the same page at this point. Jake will turn it around. The important thing is that we got the win."
Whether or not Delhomme can indeed lead the Brown Sharks to a title remains to be seen, but for this week at least, the team looked like champs, knocking off last year's second place finishers.
After praising Allah for the win, Muhsin Muhammad simply said "we kicked their ass." Muhammad admitted to being fired up for this game. "After what they did to me, you know, I felt I needed to show them they made a mistake." Muhammad turned in a 6 catch, 102 yard performance that Hokay Hoslap GM Adam Budzynski was sure to notice. Meanwhile, Braylon Edwards was less than impressive in his season debut and spent most of the game on the bench.
Despite the bravado, the game was closer than the final score indicated, as the Hokay Hoslap squad made a run late in the second quarter and took a small lead. The defense turned in an impressive performance, Jamal Lewis was steady, and Laveranues Coles surprised everyone but himself with a 8 catch, 153 yard game. "That's what I do," he said simply, when asked about his performance. "Just give me the damn ball."
Despite Coles's heroics, Hoslap did not get production where they most expected it. Hoslap's top 3 players- Peyton Manning, Larry Johnson, and Roy Williams combined for only 29 points, well under the projection (45 points). LJ was the most productive of the trio, gaining 148 combined yards but failing to find pay dirt.
"We just didn't get it done," Manning said. "Give them credit, they were the better team today."
Johnson agreed, but offered this warning- "We sucked ass today, but we will meet again, and then its on like Teflon, baby!"
***
A Field of Blood, Teeth, and Hair
Final Score: Main Meins 98.47, Blood Teeth and Hair 85.97
The onslaught began early and often. In a game that was never really as close as the final score suggested, the Main Meins hung one on the squad of Blood Teeth and Hair. After the carnage, the field was littered with blood, teeth, and hair, and almost all of it belonged to the Hair squad.
For the Main Meins, Donovan McNabb led by example, throwing for 314 yards and 3 TDs. Running back Ronnie Brown notched two scores, and All-World rookie Reggie Bush electrified fans with 119 all-purpose yards. The Hair team was left reeling from the offensive weaponry.
"They got hit yo," Bush had to say after the game. He then turned and dropped his towel, showing the reporters his now-larger area code digits. "619 baby. Represent."
Keyshawn Johnson stood off to the side, watching as Bush flexed his cheeks. "Rookies," he muttered.
Almost as a whole, Hair underperformed, getting little production from the stars. The lone exception was Frank Gore, who made a big splash, gaining 170 total yards and rushing for 2 touchdowns. Even his performance was not without faults, however, as he fumbled the ball away twice.
Quarterback Aaron Brooks and the Moss twins- Randy and Santana- made a run late in the 4th. Down 30 points, they managed to close the gap to 13 points, but couldn't get closer than that.
Tony Gonzalez, solid with 81 yards receiving and a touchdown, said, "If you look at the scoreboard, we didn't lose by much, but it never felt like a ballgame. The Meins had our number and we never really responded until it was too late."
***
Nuts Run to Victory
Final Score: Dez Nuts 81.40, LanceBass AssPirates 64.03
Dez Nuts road the strong play of their 3-headed RB monster to victory, literally running over the LanceBass AssPirates. Incumbent Edgerrin James rushed for 73 yards and a score, and newcomers Chester Taylor and Warrick Dunn also contributed. Taylor accounted for 131 yards of offense and a touchdown, while Dunn added 132 yards on the ground.
James grinned widely when asked what he thought of his two new teammates, blinding the reporters with his bling. "They's balla's."
Aside from the three running backs, Nuts did not get much play from its other players. Against another opponent, that might have cost them, but as James put it, "We're just playing to the level of our competition. They're JV-level, so that's what we played like."
In the losing locker room, the AssPirates looked like a team who had just had their booty plundered. Tiki Barber had run strong, gaining 171 all-purpose yards, and Terrell Owens had 6 receptions for 80 yards and a touchdown. But aside from that, the team just did not produce.
"We stunk up the joint," TO said between crunches. "Plain and simple. Stunk. S-T-U-N-K. Stunk."
TO stood and flexed and, holding the pose, pointed at quarterback Daunte Culpepper. "He was the stinkiest."
Culpepper declined to comment on the game, his play, or his relative level of stinkness.
***
Snoil Steal One
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil 70.93, Craigulators 61
This was a game they could have won. The Craigulators were at home, and they were facing an opponent distracted by a controversy swirling at running back. There was dissension in the Tiorted Snoil locker room over the waiving of former Heisman Trophy winning running back Ron Dayne. Some on the Snoil squad didn't even know they had a game this week.
Despite all of this, the Craigulators did not mount up, but instead let a golden opportunity slip through their hands. Led by Carson Palmer's paltry 127 yards passing (2.13 points), the Craigulators were in the tank early and never put up much of a fight.
Meanwhile, the Snoils vacated the visiting locker room and got on the team bus before someone could realize what had happened and challenge the game, riding off like thieves in the night. "We straight up stole that one," veteran Corey Dillon said as the bus chugged away.
Grizzled former stock boy Kurt Warner looked up from his bible, eyes welling with tears, when asked about the Craigulators. "They've changed." Despite his demeanor post-game, Warner was an absolute surgeon during the game, slicing apart the defense for 301 yards and 3 touchdowns.
None on the team bus was happier than GM Chris Walker. "We got the win, and that is all that matters." He then turned to the bus driver. "How'd the Brown Sharks do? Man, I love that team."
***
Chubby In, Smooth Shaft Out
Final Score: Chubby's In 106.1, Smooth Shaft 86.13
Chubby's In looked like world beaters in their season opener, handling Smooth Shaft with surprising ease. It was a true team performance, as nearly everyone contributed to the victory. The lone disappointment for Chubby was star Lamont Jordan, who managed only 20 yards rushing. Still, the team was able to account for Jordan's lack of production and come away with the win.
"That is the definition of team," said Brian Berrian. "When somebody doesn't produce, everyone else steps up to make up for that." Berrian was signed by the team at the last minute on Sunday, just prior to kick-off. He literally ran out of the tunnel, onto the field, and caught a 49-yard touchdown, his only contribution on the day.
Smooth Shaft played a solid game, but a lack of production from their stars cost them in the end. Marc Bulger (217 yards) and DeShaun Foster (54 yards rushing) were the biggest disappointments.
"We all had to be on our games to win this one," LaDainian Tomlinson said. Despite playing a very impressive game (131 yards rushing, 18 yards receiving, 1 touchdown), LT alone could not make Shaft victorious. "They played as a team today," LT added, "and we just played with ourselves."
***
Lions Mauled
Final Score: Midland Maulers 90.13, Spartan Lions 68.13
They were supposed to lose. Hell, even before the first snap, the Midland Maulers had lost. With one of the cornerstones, Domanick Davis, lost to a season-ending knee injury, and facing the defending champions, the Maulers looked doomed to start 0-1 on the year. Even GM Torey Smith thought so, going on record to say the Lions would win this game.
But instead the team responded with a gutsy performance, crushing the defending champions and surprising everyone except those in the Mauler's locker room.
"That's how we do," Rudi Johnson said, after rushing for 96 yards and a touchdown and leading the team in testosterone. "Those cats couldn't hold my jock."
Tom Brady, Team Captain and all-around good guy, was more diplomatic about the win. "We went in, did what we had to do to start the year off on a good foot." Despite throwing for a mere 163 yards, Brady managed to put 2 scores on the other team and lead his team to victory. Brady was the big off-season acquisition by the Maulers, who had played for the Main Meins the prior year. GM Smith hopes that Brady's leadership will put his team, who went far in the playoffs last year, over the top this year.
The real hero of the day was the defense though, producing 3 sacks and 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD.
After the game, the mood in the Lion's locker room was subdued but professional. Shaun Alexander shrugged away the premature questions of his team's demise. "The season is early man. We underestimated that team and they made us pay. I need to play better, that's for damn sure." Alexander gained only 51 yards on 19 rushes, a meager 2.7 average, and fumbled the ball once.
Rookie Mike Bell, though a newcomer to the champs, agreed. "We're still the champs man. The road to the title goes through us." Bell was impressive in his debut, going for 58 yards on 10 carries and punching it into the end zone once. Bell did injury his finger during the game, but contends that he will be ready to play next week.
GM Smith could not be reached for comment on why he had doubted his own team, though some close to the GM have claimed it was a ruse to get the team fired up. For at least one Mauler, Rudi Johnson, it appeared to have worked. "That guy doesn't know his jock from his elbow," Johnson had to say when asked about Smith.
Despite the words, the mood was jovial. Winning heals all wounds. But without Dom Davis, the Maulers only have one leg to stand on. Can they keep up the effort every week, or did they just get lucky this time, catching the defending champions with their pants down.
Labels: Headlines
¶ 10:34 AM 0 Comments