Headlines - Week 3 2006 Maulers Mauled, Brown Sharks Still Unbeaten
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (3-0) 95.87, Midland Maulers (2-1) 88.67

It was a fall classic in every sense of the word, with two unbeaten teams fighting to remain atop the leader board. But what looked like an early rout turned into a nail-biter as the Midland Maulers erased a 40 point gap in the 4th quarter to single digits. But in the end, like their Owner and GM, the Midland Maulers came up short.

Willie Parker led the charge for the Sharks, recovering from his pitiful week 2 outing with an explosion - 146 total yards and 2 touchdowns (26.6 fantasy points). And for the second week in a row, WR Darrell Jackson had an outstanding game, pulling in 7 catches, for 57 yards and 2 touchdowns.

"We're only gonna get better," D Jax said after the game. "Jake is starting to come on now at quarterback. And our bench is deep. The sky is the limit for us."

Coach Vince Lombardi continued to preach patience, but was optimistic as well. "We've won 3 ball games now with- let's call it what it is- crap play from Delhomme. Once we start hitting on all cylinders, we will be very hard to beat."

Despite the win, there was an undercurrent of tension in the locker room. After opening up a huge lead early on the Maulers, the defense softened and the Maulers closed the gap quickly.
The narrow loss was of little consolation to the Maulers. Going into the game, the team felt good about their chances, including Owner/GM Torey Smith, who actually voiced a vote of confidence in his team this week, whereas in weeks past he has gone on record for the opponent. It remains to be seen if in light of the loss, Smith resorts to that tactic to motivate the team.

Coming into this game, the Maulers had largely been a two-act pony, getting the bulk of it's production from star RB Rudi Johnson and their stellar defense. But in the first game with only moderate production from those two, the Maulers lost, leaving one to wonder about the team's depth.

Quarterback Tom Brady (320 yards, 1 TD) and wide receiver Javon Walker (130 yards, 2 TDs) tried to make up for Rudi and the D, and indeed they led the charge from down 40 points to only 7. But it was too little, too late, and the Maulers perfect season is now blemished.

***

Meins Cruise
Final Score: Main Meins (3-0) 108.47, Craigulators (0-3) 88.43

Whatever coach Craig Roggenbuck said to his squad prior to the game worked, because his team came out and actually produced, putting up at least 20 more points then they had in their other previous outings. Gone was the lazy performance of the past 2 weeks, and for the first time this season, the Craigulators actually looked like a professional football team.

Unfortunately for the Craigulators, the Main Meins continued their early season dominance, routing the Craigulators by 20 points and leaving them winless on the year.

"It was a good team effort," quarterback Carson Palmer said after the game. "But good is not good enough against a team like the Meins."

It was not truly a team performance, however, as the Craigulators got the bulk of their production from 4 players - Palmer (193 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs), WR TJ Houshmandzadeh (94 yards, 2 TDs), and RBs Kevin Jones (125 total yards and 2 TDs) and Willis McGahee (150 yards rushing). If anything, this loss illustrated the lack of depth on the Craigulator roster, as there is no true #1 wide receiver on the team, and their 3rd RB is inconsistent (Thomas Jones).

To add further insult to injury, the Craigulators lost physical specimen Vernon Davis early in the contest. Davis was flexing, yelling, "Click, clack!" when he tripped over wide receiver Reggie Williams, who had been hiding under the bench, afraid to face the hard-hitting Meins. Davis broke his leg and will be out at least 4 weeks.

In a head-scratching move, GM Roggenbuck signed TE Desmond Clark to fill in for Davis. Clark is recovering from a foot injury suffered the same week, and showed up to his physical wearing a walking boot.

Ultimately, the GM is responsible for the level of talent on the field, but GM Roggenbuck declined to comment on his draft performance. Still, after a season where the Craigulators only won 4 games, this winless start has been discouraging to the fans, and if they keep up the dismal effort, the Craigulators will be playing in front of empty stands the rest of the year.

In the winning locker room, the story of the day was star running back Clinton Portis, back for the first time since suffering a shoulder injury in the preseason. Portis went off, going for 164 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Quarterback Donovan McNabb also kept up his strong start, throwing for 296 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Already, some in the locker room are looking forward to week 8, when the Meins play the only other remaining undefeated team, the Big Brown Sharks. "I don't know if we'll all still be undefeated," McNabb said, "but that is shaping up to be a title bout. A heavyweight battle. Mano a mano. Like two big, sweaty men lathered up in baby oil and wrestling over the last pork chop.

"Damn, I get hungry just thinking about it."

***

Bloody Nuts
Final Score: Dez Nuts (2-1) 97.10, Blood Teeth and Hair (0-3) 77.27

Fresh off their disappointing loss to the Mein Mains last week, Dez Nuts refocused and let 'em hang, easily defeating the Blood Teeth and Hair squad by 20 points.

In a surprise move, Nuts QB Drew Bledsoe was benched, and Jon Kitna took the reins. It turned out to be the right move, as Kitna directed the assault through the air, throwing for 342 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Nuts also got production from star receiver Steve Smith, playing for the first time since injuring his hamstring in the preseason. Smith went off on their hapless opponent, making 7 grabs for 112 yards.

Blood, Teeth and Hair played a solid game, and got decent production all around. But no one stepped up to assert himself, and in the cutthroat 4th and 20 league, that is suicide. Running back Frank Gore, an absolute STUD the first two weeks, was merely mortal in this effort, going for 74 total yards. Gore kept up his fumble streak alive, losing 2 balls in the contest.

Kicker John Carney, Hair's best player on the day (3 FGs, 2 PATs), was furious. "This is absolute crap, man. Look at our roster - we fricking suck! Our #2 wide receiver is Arnaz Battle? What the hell!"

The comments were overheard, and the team, led by Gore, dragged the kicker into the shower. Screams could be heard, and someone yelled, "No Vaseline!"

Finally, someone on the Blood, Teeth, and Hair team scored.

***

AssPirates Lanced
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (2-1) 91.40, LanceBass AssPirates (1-2) 58.50

In what is starting to become commonplace for this franchise, the LanceBass AssPirates were utterly destroyed, losing to the Hokay Hoslap team by 33 points. Quarterback Peyton Manning led the assault (219 yards, 1 TD passing, 1 TD rushing), and also got help from receivers Roy Williams (138 yards, 1 TD) and Braylon Edwards (116 yards, 1 TD).

Edwards, part of a 3-way trade prior to the season that sent Muhsin Muhammad to the Brown Sharks and TJ Duckett to the Main Meins, had this to say. "They [Big Brown Sharks] doubted me, what I could do. Whether my knee was recovered. And they sent me off for a 30-something has-been from f'n Michigan State." Edwards made a kicking motion. "Next time we play, we're gonna kick that ass."

The real story for the AssPirates was not what occurred during the game, but the startling events after. Apparently, the season is looking so bleak for the AssPirates that star wide receiver Terrell Owens reportedly attempted to take his own life.

The day after the game, Owens was found passed out in his bathtub, wearing a wedding dress and full makeup (ala Dennis Rodman). An empty bottle of pills and three bottles of Jack Daniels floated in the tub, and a toaster oven was found underneath the Sesame Street bubbles (luckily, the toaster was unplugged). A 9mm pistol and a razor blade knife were also found near the tub.

Former 'N Sync member and team spokesman Lance Bass offered this statement. "It is all a misunderstanding. Terrell is a big, strong, healthy, well-muscled, sweaty, dream-inducing black man, and he is too beautiful to attempt suicide. He accidentally mixed the pills with his steroids, I mean his natural supplements."

Regardless of what did or did not happen with Owens, the AssPirates need to rally together, or by the end of the season, only spokesman Bass and kicker Jay Feely will remain.

***

Westbrook Huge for Chubby
Final Score: Chubby's In (2-1) 97.37, Tiorted Snoil (1-2) 76.03

Chubby's In ran roughshod over the Tiorted Snoil team, cutting a mile wide path down their butt and leaving the Snoil team dazed and confused.

Despite questions over the health of his knee, Brian Westbrook absolutely dominated in this game, posting huge numbers on the day - 164 total yards and 2 touchdowns. And quarterback Matt Hasselbeck finally woke up from his slumber, tossing the pigskin with ease and accuracy (227 yards, 5 TDs, 3 INTs). In the end, all the Snoil team could do was lie down, assume the fetal position, and wait for the storm to pass.

"My knee is fine," Westbrook said. "I just keep eatin' my Wheaties man, and drinking milk. My grandma's osteoporosis medicine has helped too."

The season is still young, but Chubby is looking like a strong contender to not only make the playoffs, but to go far, joining the unbeaten Brown Sharks and Main Meins, Dez Nuts, Hokay Hoslap, and the Midland Maulers as early teams to watch.

Quarterback and team spiritual guide Kurt Warner was absolutely horrendous for Snoil (256 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 1 fumble), as was RB Corey Dillon (16 yards rushing). The lone bright spot in an otherwise dismal performance was Tatum Bell, who rushed for 127 yards on 27 carries. But it was not nearly enough to make up for a team of so-so performances, and the Snoils lost another one.

"I need to pray for our season," Warner said. "I know God cares deeply about a bunch of guys who make millions just running around, acting like kids. He will answer my prayers. He will send angels to carry us to the promised land, the championship game. Just you watch and see."
Warner didn't say whether the Snoils would be playing in the game, or just watching it from the stands.

***

Lions Shafted
Final Score: Smooth Shaft (1-2) 71.00, Spartan Lions (1-2) 66.67

Playing with two less players, Smooth Shaft nonetheless managed to squeaked out their first win of the year, against the defending champs of all teams. It is debatable which is more surprising - that Shaft won the game going 7 vs 9, or that for the second time in this early season, the Spartan Lions have looked less like they will defending their title, and more like they will be fighting it out for the first draft pick of 2007.

Shaft star running back LaDainian Tomlinson and kicker Mike Vanderjagt were both suspended during the week for an altercation involving a frozen turkey, a rabbi, and a stripper. They were both in uniform, but spent the game on the sidelines. No one started in their place.
Despite this, Shaft got enough production from quarterback Marc Bulger (309 yards, 1 touchdown) and receiver Torry Holt (120 yards, 1 touchdown) to snatch the win.

The real story of the game though was the lack of production from the champs, who are looking very beatable early in the year. Star receiver Chad Johnson (1 catch, 11 yards) was absent once again, as was rookie Mike Bell (12 yards rushing) and the much-vaunted defense.

The worst news for the Lions came after the game, when it was discovered the star running back Shaun Alexander had broken his foot. It is a potentially season-ending injury for Alexander, who was finally starting to come on for the Lions (69 total yards, 1 TD).

No word yet on whether or not Alexander owns a wedding dress.

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  ¶ 10:52 AM