Headlines - Week 2 2006 Brown Sharks Roll
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 86.73, Chubby's In 67.37

In the smoke-filled locker room after the game, none puffed on his stogie harder than wide receiver Darrell Jackson. Coming off a year shortened by a knee injury, there were rumors around the league that D Jax was done. And his performance in week 1 (5 receptions, 47 yards) only gave credence to his critics. But for this past Sunday at least, Jackson was back to his old antics, hauling in 5 receptions for 127 yards and a touchdown.

"I don't listen to any of that bullshit, man," Jackson said afterwards as he soaked his knee in an ice bath. Despite obvious appearances, Jackson claimed, "my knee is strong, I am healthy."

Coach Vince Lombardi was cautiously optimistic. "The kid played real good today, but we need to see if the knee holds up."

Of cause for other concern, for the second week in a row, quarterback Jake Delhomme drastically under produced, prompting the team to bring in Brett Favre and Chad Pennington for tryouts. In the end, neither QB was signed. For better or worse, the team is sticking with Jake.

"Why not," Coach Lombardi said. "We're 2 and 0. You don't tinker with success."

The surprising Midland Maulers loom on the schedule for the Brown Sharks, one of the 3 remaining undefeated teams (the other, the Main Meins).

The attitude in the Chubby's In locker room was one of utter disappointment. "We were in this game, could have won it," Brian Westbrook said. "But we let it slip away." The loss was no fault of Westbrook's, one of the lone bright spots in an otherwise dismal performance (124 total yards, 1 TD) by the team.

For the second week in a row, Chubby's star running back was absent. Lamar Jordan finished with only 35 yards rushing, bringing his total after 2 games to a meager 55 yards.

Jordan declined to comment on his performance, instead skipping a shower and driving home in his uniform.

Matt Hasselbeck had this to offer. "There is no question, he needs to play better. We all do. Every man in this room needs to take a look in the mirror." Hasselbeck started the day strong, but a pair of interceptions spoiled his outing (221 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs).

***

Nuts Checked
Final Score: Main Meins 90.37, Dez Nuts 86.00

This one had the feel of a postseason game as two of last year's playoff teams battled it out to remain undefeated. And the game lived up to the hype, going down to the wire.

Defense was an afterthought in this shoot-out, but when the dust settled, Dez Nuts ran out of ammo and was gunned down in the street like a no-good, two-bit, criminal and Main Meins was the posse-leading sheriff.

Once again, Donovan McNabb was the main man for the Meins, throwing for 350 yards and 2 touchdowns. Plaxico Burress was the main recipient, catching 6 balls for 114 yards and a touchdown.

All-Universe rookie Reggie Bush (73 total yards), summed it up for the team. "They ain't got nothing on deez nuts," he said, grabbing himself.

For Nuts, the trio of running backs all contributed, as Edge (97 all-purpose yards), Chester Taylor (128 all-purpose yards), and Warrick Dunn (134 yards rushing) led the charge. Quarterback Drew Bledsoe also rebounded from his sub par week 1 performance, throwing for 237 yards and 2 touchdowns.

It was not enough, and in the end, the Main Meins were the ones riding off into the sunset.

***

Lions Feast on Blood, Teeth, and Hair
Final Score: Spartan Lions 98.37, Blood Teeth and Hair 91.77

After a week 1 hiatus, the defending champs came to play. Unfortunately for them, so did the Blood, Teeth and Hair squad. It was a knock-out, drag-down, back-alley brawl, and after taking a number of shots to the groin, the Spartan Lions managed to limp away with the victory.

Lions quarterback Eli Manning led the effort, throwing for 371 yards and 3 touchdowns. Star running back Shaun Alexander bounced back from a disappointing week 1 outing, running for 89 yards and a touchdown.

The ageless one, Rod Smith said, "Hey, like Mike Bell said last week. Until someone comes in here and takes it from us, we are still the champs." Smith didn't stick around for further comment, needing to get to Denny's before 5 to get his AARP discount.

The Blood Teeth and Hair locker room was quiet after the game. Quarterback Drew Brees, promoted to the starting position after Aaron Brooks' horrendous outing week 1 (Brooks was cut immediately following the game), said, "It's definitely frustrating. We've played well both weeks, and to be 0 and 2… it's tough."

Brees did his part to lead the team, throwing for 353 yards and 2 touchdowns. And for the second consecutive week, running back Frank Gore was an absolute beast, tearing up field and assholes alike en route to 137 total yards and a touchdown. Fumblitis was a problem for Gore again, however, as he coughed up the ball twice.

"I've got small hands," Gore said. "I'm not used to handling anything that big."

*

AssPirates Mount Craigulators
Final Score: LanceBass AssPirates 80.23, Craigulators 67.23

For the second straight week, the Craigulators showed no desire and lost a very winnable game, letting the LanceBass AssPirates run roughshod all over them.

"Guys need to step-up," quarterback Carson Palmer said after the game. "This is a team game, and we can't win without a full effort from everybody."

For his part, Palmer threw for 352 yards and 2 touchdowns, but even his performance was marred by 2 interceptions.

Stud rookie Vernon Davis, simply said, "Click, clack! I think I hear them coming." He then posed and tried to look hard for the cameras.

From the outside looking in, it seems that only after two games, the Craigulators are coming apart at the seams. Craigulators Owner/GM/Coach Craig Roggenbuck did not take the blame for his team's disinterest, and instead called out the waterboy. "He did a really shitty job today. I mean, come on. There were at least a dozen occasions where I was thirsty and the little shit was no where to be seen."

On the other side of the hall, the AssPirates were whooping and hollering, giddily chasing each other around and snapping towels. An impromptu game of smear-the-queer broke out, and kicker Jay Feely ended up at the bottom of the pile.

Deuce McAllister was the big dog today for the AssPirates, rushing for 47 yards and a pair of touchdowns.

Terrell Owens, quiet with only 3 catches for 19 yards, broke his finger during the game. Despite the injury, TO indicated he would be ready to play next week. "It's only a finger, man. I've got 9 others. Besides, even with one less finger, I'm still better than any other receiver."

***

Snoil Foiled
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap 111.63, Tiorted Snoil 89.90

After a week 1 ass-kicking, the Hokay Hoslap team came alive, lighting up the scoreboard and their opponent, Tiorted Snoil.

Hoslap quarterback Peyton Manning was phenomenal, throwing for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns. To put his performance in perspective, Manning almost had as many points (28.53) as Snoil's best two players combined (30.9 - Donald Driver: 16.9; Corey Dillon: 14).

Ever the gentleman, Manning declined the opportunity to showboat. Teammate Laveranues Coles did not. "We kicked their ass man. What the fuck is a snoil, anyway? Is that some kind of snail or some shit?" For the second consecutive week, Coles was a major contributor (6 catches, 100 yards, 1 touchdown). The main difference this week is that he got some help from the team's big guns.

The Snoil locker room was quiet and disappointed following the game. "It's weird," quarterback Kurt Warner said. "We played like crap last week but won, and this week we played good but lost. I understand it is all part of the Lord's plan, but sometimes you gotta scratch your head and say, 'what the fuck?'."

Warner was solid in the effort (231 yards, 1 touchdown, 1 interception), and the team got good production across the board- Chris Chambers (55 yards, 1 touchdown), Driver (153 yards), LJ Smith (111 yards), and Dillon (80 yards, 1 touchdown) all put up good numbers.

In the end, good was not good enough for the Snoils, and they lost in a heartbreaker.

***

Shaft Mauled
Final Score: Midland Maulers 109.68, Smooth Shaft 74.27

For the second consecutive week, Midland Maulers GM Torey Smith was quoted in the media as saying his team would lose the coming match. And for the second consecutive week, his team proved its GM wrong with another trouncing, this time handing Smooth Shaft a 35 point loss.

Once again, running back Rudi Johnson was the most fired up by Smith's comments, rushing for 145 yards and 2 touchdowns. "Whatever man," Johnson said when asked about Smith. "As long as dude is writing my checks, I could give a fuck what he says."

The defense was huge again, as they registered 6 sacks, recovered a fumble, and picked off 3 passes.

For the Shafts, the loss drops them to 0 and 2 on the season. The team has yet to put together a full game, and until they do, they will likely continue losing.

LaDainian Tomlinson was once again the only real contributor for the Shafts, going off for 122 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Despite his personal success, Tomlinson was disappointed in the team's performance. "We didn't get it done today, by any means. We need to get back to the drawing board and figure something out here, or this is gonna be a long season."

Still, Tomlinson realized all was not completely lost. "When do we play the Craigulators? Hey, at least we will win that game."

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