Headlines - Week 1 2007 Sharks Stomp Nuts
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 141.7, Dez Nuts 67.47

Much-hyped coming into the season, the Sharks' Steven Jackson decided to take the opening game off. Turns out, it didn't matter.

The Sharks put the lumber to Dez Nuts, coming out firing on (almost) all cylinders and pouring on the offensive fireworks. By themselves, the Sharks two leading scorers - QB Tony Romo (35.6 pts) and WR Plaxico Burress (32.4) - scored enough pts to overcome the Nuts. But there is no mercy rule in the cold and cruel world of fantasy football, and the Sharks didn't let up until the final buzzer. For at least one week, LaMont Jordan had a resurgence, looking like the Jordan of 2005 while adding 21.9 pts. And rookie Adrian Peterson, who some had questioned the wisdom of drafted so early, made a splash in his debut, leading all RBs with 22.3 fantasy pts.

Despite the utter brutality of the loss, Dez Nuts had a few bright spots, which they hope to build upon in their week 2 matchup with Liefer's Bad Ideas Kennels. QB Marc Bulger was solid, if not spectacular (12.37 pts), and Edgerrin James looked 3 years younger, running hard for 17.2 pts. WRs Larry Fitzgerald (2 pts) and Deion Branch (0 pts) were literal no-shows, and while they likely will produce in week 2, All-World rookie WR Calvin Johnson is waiting in the wings should GM Twig decide to make the switch.

Though he didn't produce anything on the field in the matchup, Steven Jackson had this to say afterwards. "This is a notice. A memo to the league. The Big Brown Sharks are back mutha-fuckers. Everyone is saying in the papers and to their mommas that we're not going to do anything this year, that after losing the '06 Championship, we are doomed to have a slump. Fuck that. We're taking this shit man."

***

Maulers Mauled, Meins Prevail

Final Score: Meins 110.5, Maulers 88.7

Coming into the 2007 season, the Meins squad had more questions then they did answers. Would main-stay Clinton Portis produce like the stud of old, or would he had another injury-riddled season? Did all the trades improve the team? And why did owner Jeremy drop the 'Main' from the Meins' team name?

For one week at least, the Meins put all but the latter question to rest, winning in impressive fashion against Torey's Maulers. Eli Manning had a spectacular game 27.6 pts, and was well on-pace to leading all scorers for the week before leaving in the 4th with a shoulder injury. Newcomer WR Reggie Wayne (21.5 pts) also had a career day, and Portis indeed looked like the stud of old, gaining 98 yds and adding a TD (15.8 pts) against a tough D.

The injury to Manning cast a shadow over the win, however. He is considered day-to-day with what officials are calling a partial separation of his throwing shoulder, but Eli himself fully expects to play in week 2. "I've been fully active with my right arm and have shown no discomfort. Brushed my teeth, unlocked my door, even had a vigorious mank-session. No pain or discomfort."

In the other locker room, the disappointment was tangible. QB Tom Brady had a stellar game, throwing for 297 yds and 3 TDs (25.3) , and rewarding owner Torey for the faith he had shown in keeping Brady over the much-hyped Brandon Jacobs. But aside from Marion Barber III (15.4 pts), no one really stepped up for the Maulers, and as a result, they start the season down 0-1.

Of particular concern for the Maulers is their running game, or lack thereof. Starting RBs Laurence Maroney and Ronnie Brown combined for a meager 104 yds on the ground, and both were kept out of the end zone. If the Maulers expect any chance of winning their week 2 matchup with Jerome's Vick's Pitbulls, Brown and Maroney need to produce.

***

Rough Start for Champs

Final Score: BarbaroNecrophiliacs 101.73, Tiorted Snoil 80.23

The honeymoon is over.

In their first action since they completed their Cinderella run in 2006, winning the Championship as the #6 seed, Walker's Tiorted Snoil played an unispired and sloppy game. It was enough to make one wonder if their gatorade bottles were filled with the remnnants of last year's champaign.

Last year's surprise sensation, Maurice Jones-Drew, was virtually non-existant (4 pts), joining mainstay Rudi Johnson (7.6 pts) and new back Jamal Lewis (2.6 pts) for an underwhelming backfield peformance. Laveranues Coles played a strong game (59 yds, 2 TDs for 17.9 pts), and the Defense was phenomenal (29 pts), but nobody else came to play.

Meanwhile, Badic's squad opened the '07 campaign strong, taking advantage of the reeling champs with a decisive victory. The frequently malcontent Randy Moss seemed content for this week at least, playing his strongest game in two years (24.3 pts). And despite Reggie Bush's absense (4.5 pts), the young backfield looks very strong - Frank Gore posted 13.6 pts, and rookie Marshawn Lynch added 15.9.

Walker's team will certainly improve, but one thing is certain - the BarbaroNecrophiliacs look to be strong contenders this year.

***

The Dynasty Begins?
Final Score: Craigulators 77.8, Hokay Hoslap 48.33

Craigulator's Owner Craig talked a lot about how this was going to be the year of the Craigulators. They made a lot of offseason moves and were going to turn things around. He even showed up on draft day wearing a shirt that proclaimed "The dynasty begins". And although they got the win this first week, it was evocative of the kinds of games the Craigulators have played the last 2 years: gouge-your-eyes-out ugly.

"We got the W, that is all that matters," Terrell Owens had to say afterwards. Part of a big off-season trade that sent additional picks to Jeremy's Meins, TO was spectacular in his Craigulators debute, hauling in 87 yards and 2 scores (20.7 pts). Asked about his feelings on the trade, TO was rather gracious about moving to a team that had perennially under-achieved. "Look, I told Jeremy, I said, 'look - nigga get me off this fuckin team before I blow a knee or some shit'. I mean, I love that cat, but he is like kryptonite to brothas."

The hokay squad was rather glum after the loss. In addition to starting the year 0-1, they also suffered injuries to 2 of their young up-and-coming RBs - Brandon Jacobs and Cadillac Williams. Of the two, Jacobs injury was the more concerning, and he could miss a month or more of playing time. Add in the merely mortal performance of Larry Johnson (8.7 pts) after a lengthy hold-out, and it could be a very long season for Bud's team.

***

New name, same results
Final Score: Chubby's In 94.37, Old No. 7 70.9

Despite high hopes heading into the season, Dustin's newly-christened Old No. 7 lose the opener. Worse than the loss is the sense of optimism that is already leaking out of the locker room like air from a punctured balloon. If the team doesn't get this ship turned around quickly, owner Dustin will have a mutinious team and fan base calling for blood.

"We're better than this," signal-caller Drew Brees said. "I'm better than this. We just need to put it all together and play a solid team game." Much of the blame for this loss can be laid at Captain Brees' feet, as he actually posted a negative score for the day (-1 pts).

Meanwhile, Wes' Chubby's In picked up where they left off last year, winning in convincing fashion and looking like a playoff team. Carson Palmer (16.47 pts) and Steve Smith (18 pts) were their usually productive selves, and super soph Joseph Addai looked like a top 3 RB, slashing and cutting his way to a team-high 20.3 pts on the day.

"They've been there, they've done it," Brees had to say about Chubby's team. "And it shows."

***

Bad Ideaz Great, Vick's Pitbulls Crushed
Final Score: Bad Ideaz Kennels 143.5, Vick's Pitbulls 93.47

The prognosticators might be right - Bad Ideaz Kennel, the preseason favorite, looks ready for another run at the title.

In convincing fashion, Liefer's Bad Ideaz opened the season with a 50-point win. There was no evidence of the maliase that brought down the '05 champ last year. RB Shaun Alexander appears to be back to full health, as he tallied 17.7 pts. Peyton Manning (24.6 pts), Andre Johnson (18.2 pts), Travis Henry (18.3 pts), and Jason Witten (17.6 pts) also contributed with impressive games.

On the other hand, Jerome's squad continued to rely primarily on All-World LaDanian Tomlinson, who scored 19.17 pts in the losing effort. Torry Holt (13.3 pts) and Tatum Bell (15.3 pts) also produced, but in this game at least, LT could not do it on his own.

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