Out of Bounds... with Eric Pierce
Headlines - Week 6 2006
Sharks Still Unbeaten
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (6-0) 96.17, Tiorted Snoil (2-4) 81.73
Quarterback Jake Delhomme continued his impressive play of late, getting help from RBs Steven Jackson and Willie Parker to win an easy one for the Big Brown Sharks, 96.17 - 81.73. Delhomme threw for 365 yards and 2 touchdowns (15 pts), and Jackson added 96 all-purpose yards and 1 TD (15 pts), and Parker contributed 109 yards rushing and 2 TDs (19 pts).
Tiorted Snoil played a solid game, getting production from QB Michael Vick (12 pts), RB Tatum Bell (15 pts) and WR Chris Chambers (12 pts). Ultimately though, the lack of production from RBs Ron Dayne and Kevan Barlow cost them the ballgame.
It wasn't all bad news for Snoil owner/GM Chris Walker. An acknowledged Shark fan, Walker was seen sporting wood on the sidelines throughout the entire contest, as he finally got to see his favorite team up close.
***
Meins Blow-Out Maulers Final Score: Main Meins (5-1) 108.53, Midland Maulers (2-4) 45.30
It turns out the talk of Joe Horn's demise was premature, as he exploded for 110 yards and 2 touchdowns (23 pts).
The Main Meins continued to look impressive, utterly dominating the Maulers from Midland and winning by 63 points. For the Meins, Donovan McNabb continued his torent pace (15 pts), and Clinton Portis (19 pts) and Ronnie Brown (18 pts) also added to the assault. It turns out, those 3 performances alone would have been able to beat the downtrodden Maulers.
For the Maulers, the outlook is bleak at best. After a promising 2-0 start, they have lost 4 in a row, dropping them into the bottom half of the league. RB Rudi Johnson and the defense were no-shows in this contest (5 pts and 7 pts, respectively); they had carried the Maulers early, but have been absent of late.
***
Herr Lose Again; Sabo's Head Called For Final Score: Chubby's In (4-2) 107.73, Blood Teeth N Herr (1-5) 85
The boo-birds howled early and often in this one, as Blood Teeth N Herr lost yet another one. The crowd at Sabo Municipal Stadium was hostile from the outset, and a large number of them wore tee-shirts with the words 'Fire Sabo' scrawled across the front in red letters.
The fans certainly have something to complain about, as Herr is now 1-5 on the season, after going 2-11 in the inaugural season. The next closest teams over that same period are the Craigulators and LanceBass AssPirates, both 6-13 lifetime.
Sabo was unavailable for comment.
For their part, Chubby's In continued their winning ways. QB Matt Hasselbeck had his best game on the season, throwing for 268 yard and 3 TDs (26 pts). Jeremy Shockey and the defense also contributed 17 pts each. It was enough to power the team to a win.
***
Nuts Slapped
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (4-2) 111, Dez Nuts (3-3) 98
Hokay went with an aerial assault, getting over 20 points from each of their 3 WRs, powering the team to victory, despite a solid outing from Dez Nuts. Roy Williams (22 pts), Laveranues Coles (22 pts), and Reggie Brown (25 pts) provided the fireworks for Hokay.
Despite this, Hokay didn't get much production from the rest of the team, leaving the door open for Nuts.
The players in the losing locker room realized they had a chance to pull out the victory, but lack of production from a couple of key players ultimately cost them the game. Edge rushed 36 times for only 55 yards, a meager 1.5 average, and only contributing 4.2 pts.
Also exposed during this loss was Nut's lack of a true #2 WR. Pressed into duty, Eric Moulds added only 4.4 pts. If Nuts want to go far, they will need to address this deficit.
Steve Smith (24 pts), and Warrick Dunn (20 pts) led the way for Nuts.
***
Craigulators Ride Again
Final Score: Craigulators (2-4) 84.8, Spartan Lions (2-4) 60.6
Kevin Jones continued his domination of late, rushing for 127 yards and 1 TD (22 pts), powering the Craigulators to the win in another ugly contest. TJ Houshmandzadeh also added 16 pts.
Meanwhile, the loss drops the defending champion Spartan Lions to 2-4 on the season. With star running back Shaun Alexander on the sidelines for at least 2 more weeks, it might get worse before it gets better for the Lions, who run the risk of going from first to worst in the course of only one season.
***
Smooth Shaft Dominates Final Score: Smooth Shaft (3-3) 148.7, LanceBass AssPirates (2-4) 101.3
Smooth Shaft looked like world-beaters this week, posting a league-high score of 148.7 en route to a decisive victory and sticking it to the AssPirates.
Running back LaDainian Tomlinson gained 135 total yards and rushed for 4 touchdowns, contributing 37.5 pts. He was joined by QB Marc Bulger (24 pts), and WRs Torry Holt (33 pts) and Anquan Boldin (19 pts) in running up the score on the AssPirates. All four combined for more points than the entire AssPirate squad combined (115 vs 101).
"It was that kind of game," LT said, "the Shaft was in-sync today."
Overshadowed in the loss was the fact that for the first time all season, the AssPirates played a solid game and put points on the board. WR Terrell Owens hauled in 3 TDs on the day (22 pts), and RB Tiki Barber added 222 total yards (22 pts).
Labels: Headlines
Headlines - Week 4 2006
Brown Sharks #1
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (4-0) 96.23, Smooth Shaft (1-3) 90.53
There was no champagne to mark the occasion. Gone were the cigars and party hats from the previous weeks, when the Big Brown Sharks were shocking the football world. Instead, chants of "Number 1! Number 1!" rang through the locker room.
As they had done all season, the Big Brown Sharks won again, squeaking out 6 point win, thanks in part to questionable personnel decisions by Smooth Shaft GM Jerome. The only other undefeated team, the Main Meins, had lost, leaving the Brown Sharks alone atop the summit.
The team's top 2 running backs, Julius Jones and Steven Jackson, powered the offense, the former running for 122 yards and a touchdown, and the latter gaining 146 all-purpose yards and a touchdown. And quarterback Jake Delhomme finally played to his potential, throwing for 169 yards and 2 scores.
Receiver Muhsin Muhammad called the team blessed. "Allah is guiding this team. His hand is on everything we do."
When asked if the upcoming game with defending champ Spartan Lions was a test for this team, Muhammad said no. "As Muhammad, blessed is his name, said- 'And you must rip the heads off of the vanquisher, and shit down his throat.' And so it will be next Sunday."
Despite the mood in the winning locker room, this was a game Smooth Shaft could have easily won. Once again starting less players than the opponent, the Shaft played a tight game but fell short in the end. One can only wonder if they had played even numbers, if they could have pulled this out, which would have drastically altered the landscape, dropping the Big Brown Sharks into a 4-way tie with the Meins, Hokay Hoslap, and Chubby's In.
Shaft Quarterback Marc Bulger played his best game of the season (328 yards, 3 touchdowns), as did receiver Torry Holt (102 yards, 1 TD) and running back DeShaun Foster (105 yards, 1 TD). "We were just outnumbered," Holt said.
"A loss is a loss," Bulger added. "But you can't help but feel that this is one we could have won."
***
Craigulators Win First; Hair Still WinlessFinal Score: Craigulators 105.87, BLOOD TEETH AND HAIR 105.33
The game between the league's only remaining teams without a win ended up being a close-fought affair, and ultimately more entertaining than any of the other games on tap. But in true heartbreak fashion, Blood, Teeth, and Hair lost by mere fractions of a point. Of further discouragement is that, had they played most of the other teams in the league, Hair would have emerged victorious.
In the aftermath of a game in which they had left everything on the field, the Hair locker room was understandably downtrodden. "We did our best, but it wasn't quite good enough," Santana Moss said. Moss absolutely erupted this week, emerging from his funk with an awe-inspiring performance (138 yards, 3 TDs). But it was undercut by Frank "Banana Hands" Gore, who continued his fumbled-plagued campaign (79 yards, 2 fumbles).
The mood in the Craigulators locker room was one of giddy relief. The 3-headed running back trio of Kevin Jones (93 yards, 2 TDs), Willis McGahee (78 yards, 1 TD), and Todd Jones (98 yards, 2 TDs) led the charge for the Craigulators. Obviously relieved by his team's performance, Owner/GM/Head Coach Craig Roggenbuck slumped wearily on the john, having literally crapped himself after his team came back and eked out the narrow victory. "The first time is always the hardest, you know. Now that we have figured out how to score, watch out."
*
Meins Slapped, Lose First Game
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (3-1) 115.23, Main Meins (3-1) 104.40
In a possible preview of post-season action, the Hokay Hoslap team dominated early and held on for the win, dropping the Main Meins to 3-1 on the season. Running back Larry Johnson (101 yards, 2 TDs), quarterback Peyton Manning (217 yards, 2 TDs), and the defense (2 fumble recoverys, 4 sacks, 2 INTs, 1 TD) combined for 69 fantasy points, almost more than some entire teams in week 4 (Dez Nuts, Chubby's In, and LanceBass AssPirates). Johnson ran like Jamal "JailBait" Lewis was chasing him with a tube of baby oil, juking and dancing across the field and leading Hoslap with 26.2 fantasy points.
"The [Main Meins] will try to say it was close, and that if McNabb played in the 4th they could have won," Johnson said. "But that is bullshit man. We had their number, they were hit. If McNabb wasn't such a wuss he would have been out there in the 4th, with the game on the line. He is too preoccupied with shooting his Chunky Soup commercials. I think his mamma needs to lay off that soup, yo."
When told of Johnson's comments, Meins quarterback Donovan McNabb declined to comment on his sitting out of the 4th, but did stick up for his mother. "I'm not gonna get into that with him. But you know what they say, the camera adds 15 pounds." No word on just how many cameras were on Momma 'Chunky' McNabb.
For his part, McNabb played like a demon throwing for 288 yards and two TDs, and rushing for 47 yards and another 2 TDs. And for the second week in a row, running back Clinton Portis ran wild (112 yards, 1 TD). But it was not enough to vanquish Hoslap, who despite from their week 1 loss to the Big Brown Sharks, have looked very impressive.
***
Lions RoarFinal Score: Spartan Lions (2-2) 87.13, Dez Nuts (2-2) 70.13
It was a game they were supposed to lose, but instead, the defending champion Spartan Lions rose to the occasion and kicked the upstart Dez Nuts in the nads, pulling themselves to 2-2 on the year.
"If we had lost this game," crossing-dressing wide receiver/tight end Marquis Colston (132 yards, 1 TD) said, "it would have been disastrous. We'd be down at the bottom of the league. But now we are in the thick of it. Next week is huge."
If the Spartan Lions can pull out a victory in week 5, that would indeed be huge, as it would put the Lions only a game back on the first-place Brown Sharks, a near miracle considering their sluggish start.
The real story of this game, however, was the missed opportunity for Nuts to move to 3-1 and stay at the top of the pack. "This was a very winnable game," running back Warrick Dunn said, "but we blew it."
The stars in their previous wins, RBs Dunn (65 yards), Edge James (72 yards), and Chester Taylor (51 yards), disappointed, and that ultimately was the key to this loss.
***
AssPirates Sunk
Final Score: Chubby's In (3-1) 71.03, LanceBass AssPirates (1-3) 46.90
The really good teams win the games they are supposed to. This one had blow-out written all over it, and Chubby's In did not falter, taking advantage of a bewildered LanceBass AssPirates team on the verge of mutiny. This one could have been even worse, but star running back Brian Westbrook did not play a down, sitting out with his tender knee.
Fellow RB Lamont Jordan made up for his absence, playing to his normal level for the first time all season (128 yards, 1 TD).
For the AssPirates, this game was just another in a string of sloppy, uninspired performances. Drama Queen Terrell Owens, fresh off his attempted suicide, finished with 88 yards receiving, and had one apparent touchdown called back.
"The way we are playing," TO said, "it is a miracle that we won a game. Seriously."
***
Maulers Falter
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil (2-2) 83.44, Midland Maulers (2-2) 78.77
The really good teams win the games they are supposed to. After this game, one wonders if the Midland Maulers fall within that classification of a 'good' team. This was a game they should have won, against an opponent ripe for the kill. But instead, the Maulers kept up their Jeckel-and-Hide performance, and lost to Tiorted Snoil, falling to 2-2 on the year.
It was a huge victory for Snoil, who now finds themselves back in the thick of the playoff hunt. Stud rookie running back Maroney dominated this game (125 yards, 2 TDs), more than making up for Kurt Warner's terrible outing (128 yards, 1 INT, 1 fumble).
"I feel like this is some kind of test," Warner said. "These are the dark days the Bible talks about, and I feel Jesus is trying my soul for the days ahead. 'Lo though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no defensive linemen.' Amen."
Maulers running back Rudi Johnson was unusually quiet after this loss. Johnson did his part (91 yards, 1 TD), but did not get enough help and that ultimately doomed the team.
Labels: Headlines
Headlines - Week 3 2006
Maulers Mauled, Brown Sharks Still Unbeaten
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (3-0) 95.87, Midland Maulers (2-1) 88.67
It was a fall classic in every sense of the word, with two unbeaten teams fighting to remain atop the leader board. But what looked like an early rout turned into a nail-biter as the Midland Maulers erased a 40 point gap in the 4th quarter to single digits. But in the end, like their Owner and GM, the Midland Maulers came up short.
Willie Parker led the charge for the Sharks, recovering from his pitiful week 2 outing with an explosion - 146 total yards and 2 touchdowns (26.6 fantasy points). And for the second week in a row, WR Darrell Jackson had an outstanding game, pulling in 7 catches, for 57 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"We're only gonna get better," D Jax said after the game. "Jake is starting to come on now at quarterback. And our bench is deep. The sky is the limit for us."
Coach Vince Lombardi continued to preach patience, but was optimistic as well. "We've won 3 ball games now with- let's call it what it is- crap play from Delhomme. Once we start hitting on all cylinders, we will be very hard to beat."
Despite the win, there was an undercurrent of tension in the locker room. After opening up a huge lead early on the Maulers, the defense softened and the Maulers closed the gap quickly.
The narrow loss was of little consolation to the Maulers. Going into the game, the team felt good about their chances, including Owner/GM Torey Smith, who actually voiced a vote of confidence in his team this week, whereas in weeks past he has gone on record for the opponent. It remains to be seen if in light of the loss, Smith resorts to that tactic to motivate the team.
Coming into this game, the Maulers had largely been a two-act pony, getting the bulk of it's production from star RB Rudi Johnson and their stellar defense. But in the first game with only moderate production from those two, the Maulers lost, leaving one to wonder about the team's depth.
Quarterback Tom Brady (320 yards, 1 TD) and wide receiver Javon Walker (130 yards, 2 TDs) tried to make up for Rudi and the D, and indeed they led the charge from down 40 points to only 7. But it was too little, too late, and the Maulers perfect season is now blemished.
***
Meins Cruise
Final Score: Main Meins (3-0) 108.47, Craigulators (0-3) 88.43
Whatever coach Craig Roggenbuck said to his squad prior to the game worked, because his team came out and actually produced, putting up at least 20 more points then they had in their other previous outings. Gone was the lazy performance of the past 2 weeks, and for the first time this season, the Craigulators actually looked like a professional football team.
Unfortunately for the Craigulators, the Main Meins continued their early season dominance, routing the Craigulators by 20 points and leaving them winless on the year.
"It was a good team effort," quarterback Carson Palmer said after the game. "But good is not good enough against a team like the Meins."
It was not truly a team performance, however, as the Craigulators got the bulk of their production from 4 players - Palmer (193 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs), WR TJ Houshmandzadeh (94 yards, 2 TDs), and RBs Kevin Jones (125 total yards and 2 TDs) and Willis McGahee (150 yards rushing). If anything, this loss illustrated the lack of depth on the Craigulator roster, as there is no true #1 wide receiver on the team, and their 3rd RB is inconsistent (Thomas Jones).
To add further insult to injury, the Craigulators lost physical specimen Vernon Davis early in the contest. Davis was flexing, yelling, "Click, clack!" when he tripped over wide receiver Reggie Williams, who had been hiding under the bench, afraid to face the hard-hitting Meins. Davis broke his leg and will be out at least 4 weeks.
In a head-scratching move, GM Roggenbuck signed TE Desmond Clark to fill in for Davis. Clark is recovering from a foot injury suffered the same week, and showed up to his physical wearing a walking boot.
Ultimately, the GM is responsible for the level of talent on the field, but GM Roggenbuck declined to comment on his draft performance. Still, after a season where the Craigulators only won 4 games, this winless start has been discouraging to the fans, and if they keep up the dismal effort, the Craigulators will be playing in front of empty stands the rest of the year.
In the winning locker room, the story of the day was star running back Clinton Portis, back for the first time since suffering a shoulder injury in the preseason. Portis went off, going for 164 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Quarterback Donovan McNabb also kept up his strong start, throwing for 296 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Already, some in the locker room are looking forward to week 8, when the Meins play the only other remaining undefeated team, the Big Brown Sharks. "I don't know if we'll all still be undefeated," McNabb said, "but that is shaping up to be a title bout. A heavyweight battle. Mano a mano. Like two big, sweaty men lathered up in baby oil and wrestling over the last pork chop.
"Damn, I get hungry just thinking about it."
***
Bloody NutsFinal Score: Dez Nuts (2-1) 97.10, Blood Teeth and Hair (0-3) 77.27
Fresh off their disappointing loss to the Mein Mains last week, Dez Nuts refocused and let 'em hang, easily defeating the Blood Teeth and Hair squad by 20 points.
In a surprise move, Nuts QB Drew Bledsoe was benched, and Jon Kitna took the reins. It turned out to be the right move, as Kitna directed the assault through the air, throwing for 342 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Nuts also got production from star receiver Steve Smith, playing for the first time since injuring his hamstring in the preseason. Smith went off on their hapless opponent, making 7 grabs for 112 yards.
Blood, Teeth and Hair played a solid game, and got decent production all around. But no one stepped up to assert himself, and in the cutthroat 4th and 20 league, that is suicide. Running back Frank Gore, an absolute STUD the first two weeks, was merely mortal in this effort, going for 74 total yards. Gore kept up his fumble streak alive, losing 2 balls in the contest.
Kicker John Carney, Hair's best player on the day (3 FGs, 2 PATs), was furious. "This is absolute crap, man. Look at our roster - we fricking suck! Our #2 wide receiver is Arnaz Battle? What the hell!"
The comments were overheard, and the team, led by Gore, dragged the kicker into the shower. Screams could be heard, and someone yelled, "No Vaseline!"
Finally, someone on the Blood, Teeth, and Hair team scored.
***
AssPirates LancedFinal Score: Hokay Hoslap (2-1) 91.40, LanceBass AssPirates (1-2) 58.50
In what is starting to become commonplace for this franchise, the LanceBass AssPirates were utterly destroyed, losing to the Hokay Hoslap team by 33 points. Quarterback Peyton Manning led the assault (219 yards, 1 TD passing, 1 TD rushing), and also got help from receivers Roy Williams (138 yards, 1 TD) and Braylon Edwards (116 yards, 1 TD).
Edwards, part of a 3-way trade prior to the season that sent Muhsin Muhammad to the Brown Sharks and TJ Duckett to the Main Meins, had this to say. "They [Big Brown Sharks] doubted me, what I could do. Whether my knee was recovered. And they sent me off for a 30-something has-been from f'n Michigan State." Edwards made a kicking motion. "Next time we play, we're gonna kick that ass."
The real story for the AssPirates was not what occurred during the game, but the startling events after. Apparently, the season is looking so bleak for the AssPirates that star wide receiver Terrell Owens reportedly attempted to take his own life.
The day after the game, Owens was found passed out in his bathtub, wearing a wedding dress and full makeup (ala Dennis Rodman). An empty bottle of pills and three bottles of Jack Daniels floated in the tub, and a toaster oven was found underneath the Sesame Street bubbles (luckily, the toaster was unplugged). A 9mm pistol and a razor blade knife were also found near the tub.
Former 'N Sync member and team spokesman Lance Bass offered this statement. "It is all a misunderstanding. Terrell is a big, strong, healthy, well-muscled, sweaty, dream-inducing black man, and he is too beautiful to attempt suicide. He accidentally mixed the pills with his steroids, I mean his natural supplements."
Regardless of what did or did not happen with Owens, the AssPirates need to rally together, or by the end of the season, only spokesman Bass and kicker Jay Feely will remain.
***
Westbrook Huge for ChubbyFinal Score: Chubby's In (2-1) 97.37, Tiorted Snoil (1-2) 76.03
Chubby's In ran roughshod over the Tiorted Snoil team, cutting a mile wide path down their butt and leaving the Snoil team dazed and confused.
Despite questions over the health of his knee, Brian Westbrook absolutely dominated in this game, posting huge numbers on the day - 164 total yards and 2 touchdowns. And quarterback Matt Hasselbeck finally woke up from his slumber, tossing the pigskin with ease and accuracy (227 yards, 5 TDs, 3 INTs). In the end, all the Snoil team could do was lie down, assume the fetal position, and wait for the storm to pass.
"My knee is fine," Westbrook said. "I just keep eatin' my Wheaties man, and drinking milk. My grandma's osteoporosis medicine has helped too."
The season is still young, but Chubby is looking like a strong contender to not only make the playoffs, but to go far, joining the unbeaten Brown Sharks and Main Meins, Dez Nuts, Hokay Hoslap, and the Midland Maulers as early teams to watch.
Quarterback and team spiritual guide Kurt Warner was absolutely horrendous for Snoil (256 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 1 fumble), as was RB Corey Dillon (16 yards rushing). The lone bright spot in an otherwise dismal performance was Tatum Bell, who rushed for 127 yards on 27 carries. But it was not nearly enough to make up for a team of so-so performances, and the Snoils lost another one.
"I need to pray for our season," Warner said. "I know God cares deeply about a bunch of guys who make millions just running around, acting like kids. He will answer my prayers. He will send angels to carry us to the promised land, the championship game. Just you watch and see."
Warner didn't say whether the Snoils would be playing in the game, or just watching it from the stands.
***
Lions ShaftedFinal Score: Smooth Shaft (1-2) 71.00, Spartan Lions (1-2) 66.67
Playing with two less players, Smooth Shaft nonetheless managed to squeaked out their first win of the year, against the defending champs of all teams. It is debatable which is more surprising - that Shaft won the game going 7 vs 9, or that for the second time in this early season, the Spartan Lions have looked less like they will defending their title, and more like they will be fighting it out for the first draft pick of 2007.
Shaft star running back LaDainian Tomlinson and kicker Mike Vanderjagt were both suspended during the week for an altercation involving a frozen turkey, a rabbi, and a stripper. They were both in uniform, but spent the game on the sidelines. No one started in their place.
Despite this, Shaft got enough production from quarterback Marc Bulger (309 yards, 1 touchdown) and receiver Torry Holt (120 yards, 1 touchdown) to snatch the win.
The real story of the game though was the lack of production from the champs, who are looking very beatable early in the year. Star receiver Chad Johnson (1 catch, 11 yards) was absent once again, as was rookie Mike Bell (12 yards rushing) and the much-vaunted defense.
The worst news for the Lions came after the game, when it was discovered the star running back Shaun Alexander had broken his foot. It is a potentially season-ending injury for Alexander, who was finally starting to come on for the Lions (69 total yards, 1 TD).
No word yet on whether or not Alexander owns a wedding dress.
Labels: Headlines