Headlines - Week 2 2006 Brown Sharks Roll
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 86.73, Chubby's In 67.37

In the smoke-filled locker room after the game, none puffed on his stogie harder than wide receiver Darrell Jackson. Coming off a year shortened by a knee injury, there were rumors around the league that D Jax was done. And his performance in week 1 (5 receptions, 47 yards) only gave credence to his critics. But for this past Sunday at least, Jackson was back to his old antics, hauling in 5 receptions for 127 yards and a touchdown.

"I don't listen to any of that bullshit, man," Jackson said afterwards as he soaked his knee in an ice bath. Despite obvious appearances, Jackson claimed, "my knee is strong, I am healthy."

Coach Vince Lombardi was cautiously optimistic. "The kid played real good today, but we need to see if the knee holds up."

Of cause for other concern, for the second week in a row, quarterback Jake Delhomme drastically under produced, prompting the team to bring in Brett Favre and Chad Pennington for tryouts. In the end, neither QB was signed. For better or worse, the team is sticking with Jake.

"Why not," Coach Lombardi said. "We're 2 and 0. You don't tinker with success."

The surprising Midland Maulers loom on the schedule for the Brown Sharks, one of the 3 remaining undefeated teams (the other, the Main Meins).

The attitude in the Chubby's In locker room was one of utter disappointment. "We were in this game, could have won it," Brian Westbrook said. "But we let it slip away." The loss was no fault of Westbrook's, one of the lone bright spots in an otherwise dismal performance (124 total yards, 1 TD) by the team.

For the second week in a row, Chubby's star running back was absent. Lamar Jordan finished with only 35 yards rushing, bringing his total after 2 games to a meager 55 yards.

Jordan declined to comment on his performance, instead skipping a shower and driving home in his uniform.

Matt Hasselbeck had this to offer. "There is no question, he needs to play better. We all do. Every man in this room needs to take a look in the mirror." Hasselbeck started the day strong, but a pair of interceptions spoiled his outing (221 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs).

***

Nuts Checked
Final Score: Main Meins 90.37, Dez Nuts 86.00

This one had the feel of a postseason game as two of last year's playoff teams battled it out to remain undefeated. And the game lived up to the hype, going down to the wire.

Defense was an afterthought in this shoot-out, but when the dust settled, Dez Nuts ran out of ammo and was gunned down in the street like a no-good, two-bit, criminal and Main Meins was the posse-leading sheriff.

Once again, Donovan McNabb was the main man for the Meins, throwing for 350 yards and 2 touchdowns. Plaxico Burress was the main recipient, catching 6 balls for 114 yards and a touchdown.

All-Universe rookie Reggie Bush (73 total yards), summed it up for the team. "They ain't got nothing on deez nuts," he said, grabbing himself.

For Nuts, the trio of running backs all contributed, as Edge (97 all-purpose yards), Chester Taylor (128 all-purpose yards), and Warrick Dunn (134 yards rushing) led the charge. Quarterback Drew Bledsoe also rebounded from his sub par week 1 performance, throwing for 237 yards and 2 touchdowns.

It was not enough, and in the end, the Main Meins were the ones riding off into the sunset.

***

Lions Feast on Blood, Teeth, and Hair
Final Score: Spartan Lions 98.37, Blood Teeth and Hair 91.77

After a week 1 hiatus, the defending champs came to play. Unfortunately for them, so did the Blood, Teeth and Hair squad. It was a knock-out, drag-down, back-alley brawl, and after taking a number of shots to the groin, the Spartan Lions managed to limp away with the victory.

Lions quarterback Eli Manning led the effort, throwing for 371 yards and 3 touchdowns. Star running back Shaun Alexander bounced back from a disappointing week 1 outing, running for 89 yards and a touchdown.

The ageless one, Rod Smith said, "Hey, like Mike Bell said last week. Until someone comes in here and takes it from us, we are still the champs." Smith didn't stick around for further comment, needing to get to Denny's before 5 to get his AARP discount.

The Blood Teeth and Hair locker room was quiet after the game. Quarterback Drew Brees, promoted to the starting position after Aaron Brooks' horrendous outing week 1 (Brooks was cut immediately following the game), said, "It's definitely frustrating. We've played well both weeks, and to be 0 and 2… it's tough."

Brees did his part to lead the team, throwing for 353 yards and 2 touchdowns. And for the second consecutive week, running back Frank Gore was an absolute beast, tearing up field and assholes alike en route to 137 total yards and a touchdown. Fumblitis was a problem for Gore again, however, as he coughed up the ball twice.

"I've got small hands," Gore said. "I'm not used to handling anything that big."

*

AssPirates Mount Craigulators
Final Score: LanceBass AssPirates 80.23, Craigulators 67.23

For the second straight week, the Craigulators showed no desire and lost a very winnable game, letting the LanceBass AssPirates run roughshod all over them.

"Guys need to step-up," quarterback Carson Palmer said after the game. "This is a team game, and we can't win without a full effort from everybody."

For his part, Palmer threw for 352 yards and 2 touchdowns, but even his performance was marred by 2 interceptions.

Stud rookie Vernon Davis, simply said, "Click, clack! I think I hear them coming." He then posed and tried to look hard for the cameras.

From the outside looking in, it seems that only after two games, the Craigulators are coming apart at the seams. Craigulators Owner/GM/Coach Craig Roggenbuck did not take the blame for his team's disinterest, and instead called out the waterboy. "He did a really shitty job today. I mean, come on. There were at least a dozen occasions where I was thirsty and the little shit was no where to be seen."

On the other side of the hall, the AssPirates were whooping and hollering, giddily chasing each other around and snapping towels. An impromptu game of smear-the-queer broke out, and kicker Jay Feely ended up at the bottom of the pile.

Deuce McAllister was the big dog today for the AssPirates, rushing for 47 yards and a pair of touchdowns.

Terrell Owens, quiet with only 3 catches for 19 yards, broke his finger during the game. Despite the injury, TO indicated he would be ready to play next week. "It's only a finger, man. I've got 9 others. Besides, even with one less finger, I'm still better than any other receiver."

***

Snoil Foiled
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap 111.63, Tiorted Snoil 89.90

After a week 1 ass-kicking, the Hokay Hoslap team came alive, lighting up the scoreboard and their opponent, Tiorted Snoil.

Hoslap quarterback Peyton Manning was phenomenal, throwing for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns. To put his performance in perspective, Manning almost had as many points (28.53) as Snoil's best two players combined (30.9 - Donald Driver: 16.9; Corey Dillon: 14).

Ever the gentleman, Manning declined the opportunity to showboat. Teammate Laveranues Coles did not. "We kicked their ass man. What the fuck is a snoil, anyway? Is that some kind of snail or some shit?" For the second consecutive week, Coles was a major contributor (6 catches, 100 yards, 1 touchdown). The main difference this week is that he got some help from the team's big guns.

The Snoil locker room was quiet and disappointed following the game. "It's weird," quarterback Kurt Warner said. "We played like crap last week but won, and this week we played good but lost. I understand it is all part of the Lord's plan, but sometimes you gotta scratch your head and say, 'what the fuck?'."

Warner was solid in the effort (231 yards, 1 touchdown, 1 interception), and the team got good production across the board- Chris Chambers (55 yards, 1 touchdown), Driver (153 yards), LJ Smith (111 yards), and Dillon (80 yards, 1 touchdown) all put up good numbers.

In the end, good was not good enough for the Snoils, and they lost in a heartbreaker.

***

Shaft Mauled
Final Score: Midland Maulers 109.68, Smooth Shaft 74.27

For the second consecutive week, Midland Maulers GM Torey Smith was quoted in the media as saying his team would lose the coming match. And for the second consecutive week, his team proved its GM wrong with another trouncing, this time handing Smooth Shaft a 35 point loss.

Once again, running back Rudi Johnson was the most fired up by Smith's comments, rushing for 145 yards and 2 touchdowns. "Whatever man," Johnson said when asked about Smith. "As long as dude is writing my checks, I could give a fuck what he says."

The defense was huge again, as they registered 6 sacks, recovered a fumble, and picked off 3 passes.

For the Shafts, the loss drops them to 0 and 2 on the season. The team has yet to put together a full game, and until they do, they will likely continue losing.

LaDainian Tomlinson was once again the only real contributor for the Shafts, going off for 122 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Despite his personal success, Tomlinson was disappointed in the team's performance. "We didn't get it done today, by any means. We need to get back to the drawing board and figure something out here, or this is gonna be a long season."

Still, Tomlinson realized all was not completely lost. "When do we play the Craigulators? Hey, at least we will win that game."

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  ¶ 10:45 AM 0 Comments  

  Headlines - Week 1 2006

Hoslap Slapped, Sharks Win
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 108.1, Hokay Hoslap 90

Behind the steel leg of place-kicker Jeff Wilkins, the Big Brown Sharks got off to a rousing start with a 108-90 victory over the Hokay Hoslap squad. Wilkins converted on 6 or 7 field goal attempts, a franchise record for the second year team.

"He was kicking them long and straight," Brown Sharks coach Vince Lombardi had to say in the champagne-soaked locker room after the game. Some might have questioned the celebration as premature, but at 1-0, the Brown Sharks are undefeated for the first time in franchise history. Last year's squad looked built for a Championship run, but injuries and suspect play at QB torpedoed the season early on.

During the off-season, Brown Sharks GM Eric Pierce took a broom to the roster and rebuilt around the core. Not escaping the carnage was coach Lou Holtz, fired after just his first season. At the time, Pierce said, "I just felt that Lou spent too much time picking at the grass on the sideline, and not enough time coaching the team." After a solid draft this year, Pierce pulled the ultimate move, getting legendary coach Lombardi to return from the dead for another shot at the title. "I felt someone needed to light a fire under the team's ass," Pierce said. "And who better than a guy that's been there and won it. If Vince can't scare the team into performing, then who the hell can?"

Not every move was so reasonable, however. Despite erratic and disappointing play last season, Pierce brought Jake Delhomme back for another season behind center. Delhomme was back to his old antics on Sunday, throwing for only 186 yards and turning the ball over twice. Afterwards, Pierce had this to say. "We've got a lot of new faces around here, and everyone is not on the same page at this point. Jake will turn it around. The important thing is that we got the win."

Whether or not Delhomme can indeed lead the Brown Sharks to a title remains to be seen, but for this week at least, the team looked like champs, knocking off last year's second place finishers.

After praising Allah for the win, Muhsin Muhammad simply said "we kicked their ass." Muhammad admitted to being fired up for this game. "After what they did to me, you know, I felt I needed to show them they made a mistake." Muhammad turned in a 6 catch, 102 yard performance that Hokay Hoslap GM Adam Budzynski was sure to notice. Meanwhile, Braylon Edwards was less than impressive in his season debut and spent most of the game on the bench.
Despite the bravado, the game was closer than the final score indicated, as the Hokay Hoslap squad made a run late in the second quarter and took a small lead. The defense turned in an impressive performance, Jamal Lewis was steady, and Laveranues Coles surprised everyone but himself with a 8 catch, 153 yard game. "That's what I do," he said simply, when asked about his performance. "Just give me the damn ball."

Despite Coles's heroics, Hoslap did not get production where they most expected it. Hoslap's top 3 players- Peyton Manning, Larry Johnson, and Roy Williams combined for only 29 points, well under the projection (45 points). LJ was the most productive of the trio, gaining 148 combined yards but failing to find pay dirt.

"We just didn't get it done," Manning said. "Give them credit, they were the better team today."
Johnson agreed, but offered this warning- "We sucked ass today, but we will meet again, and then its on like Teflon, baby!"

***

A Field of Blood, Teeth, and Hair
Final Score: Main Meins 98.47, Blood Teeth and Hair 85.97

The onslaught began early and often. In a game that was never really as close as the final score suggested, the Main Meins hung one on the squad of Blood Teeth and Hair. After the carnage, the field was littered with blood, teeth, and hair, and almost all of it belonged to the Hair squad.

For the Main Meins, Donovan McNabb led by example, throwing for 314 yards and 3 TDs. Running back Ronnie Brown notched two scores, and All-World rookie Reggie Bush electrified fans with 119 all-purpose yards. The Hair team was left reeling from the offensive weaponry.

"They got hit yo," Bush had to say after the game. He then turned and dropped his towel, showing the reporters his now-larger area code digits. "619 baby. Represent."

Keyshawn Johnson stood off to the side, watching as Bush flexed his cheeks. "Rookies," he muttered.

Almost as a whole, Hair underperformed, getting little production from the stars. The lone exception was Frank Gore, who made a big splash, gaining 170 total yards and rushing for 2 touchdowns. Even his performance was not without faults, however, as he fumbled the ball away twice.

Quarterback Aaron Brooks and the Moss twins- Randy and Santana- made a run late in the 4th. Down 30 points, they managed to close the gap to 13 points, but couldn't get closer than that.

Tony Gonzalez, solid with 81 yards receiving and a touchdown, said, "If you look at the scoreboard, we didn't lose by much, but it never felt like a ballgame. The Meins had our number and we never really responded until it was too late."

***

Nuts Run to Victory
Final Score: Dez Nuts 81.40, LanceBass AssPirates 64.03

Dez Nuts road the strong play of their 3-headed RB monster to victory, literally running over the LanceBass AssPirates. Incumbent Edgerrin James rushed for 73 yards and a score, and newcomers Chester Taylor and Warrick Dunn also contributed. Taylor accounted for 131 yards of offense and a touchdown, while Dunn added 132 yards on the ground.

James grinned widely when asked what he thought of his two new teammates, blinding the reporters with his bling. "They's balla's."

Aside from the three running backs, Nuts did not get much play from its other players. Against another opponent, that might have cost them, but as James put it, "We're just playing to the level of our competition. They're JV-level, so that's what we played like."

In the losing locker room, the AssPirates looked like a team who had just had their booty plundered. Tiki Barber had run strong, gaining 171 all-purpose yards, and Terrell Owens had 6 receptions for 80 yards and a touchdown. But aside from that, the team just did not produce.

"We stunk up the joint," TO said between crunches. "Plain and simple. Stunk. S-T-U-N-K. Stunk."

TO stood and flexed and, holding the pose, pointed at quarterback Daunte Culpepper. "He was the stinkiest."

Culpepper declined to comment on the game, his play, or his relative level of stinkness.

***

Snoil Steal One
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil 70.93, Craigulators 61

This was a game they could have won. The Craigulators were at home, and they were facing an opponent distracted by a controversy swirling at running back. There was dissension in the Tiorted Snoil locker room over the waiving of former Heisman Trophy winning running back Ron Dayne. Some on the Snoil squad didn't even know they had a game this week.

Despite all of this, the Craigulators did not mount up, but instead let a golden opportunity slip through their hands. Led by Carson Palmer's paltry 127 yards passing (2.13 points), the Craigulators were in the tank early and never put up much of a fight.

Meanwhile, the Snoils vacated the visiting locker room and got on the team bus before someone could realize what had happened and challenge the game, riding off like thieves in the night. "We straight up stole that one," veteran Corey Dillon said as the bus chugged away.

Grizzled former stock boy Kurt Warner looked up from his bible, eyes welling with tears, when asked about the Craigulators. "They've changed." Despite his demeanor post-game, Warner was an absolute surgeon during the game, slicing apart the defense for 301 yards and 3 touchdowns.
None on the team bus was happier than GM Chris Walker. "We got the win, and that is all that matters." He then turned to the bus driver. "How'd the Brown Sharks do? Man, I love that team."

***

Chubby In, Smooth Shaft Out
Final Score: Chubby's In 106.1, Smooth Shaft 86.13

Chubby's In looked like world beaters in their season opener, handling Smooth Shaft with surprising ease. It was a true team performance, as nearly everyone contributed to the victory. The lone disappointment for Chubby was star Lamont Jordan, who managed only 20 yards rushing. Still, the team was able to account for Jordan's lack of production and come away with the win.

"That is the definition of team," said Brian Berrian. "When somebody doesn't produce, everyone else steps up to make up for that." Berrian was signed by the team at the last minute on Sunday, just prior to kick-off. He literally ran out of the tunnel, onto the field, and caught a 49-yard touchdown, his only contribution on the day.

Smooth Shaft played a solid game, but a lack of production from their stars cost them in the end. Marc Bulger (217 yards) and DeShaun Foster (54 yards rushing) were the biggest disappointments.

"We all had to be on our games to win this one," LaDainian Tomlinson said. Despite playing a very impressive game (131 yards rushing, 18 yards receiving, 1 touchdown), LT alone could not make Shaft victorious. "They played as a team today," LT added, "and we just played with ourselves."

***

Lions Mauled
Final Score: Midland Maulers 90.13, Spartan Lions 68.13

They were supposed to lose. Hell, even before the first snap, the Midland Maulers had lost. With one of the cornerstones, Domanick Davis, lost to a season-ending knee injury, and facing the defending champions, the Maulers looked doomed to start 0-1 on the year. Even GM Torey Smith thought so, going on record to say the Lions would win this game.

But instead the team responded with a gutsy performance, crushing the defending champions and surprising everyone except those in the Mauler's locker room.

"That's how we do," Rudi Johnson said, after rushing for 96 yards and a touchdown and leading the team in testosterone. "Those cats couldn't hold my jock."

Tom Brady, Team Captain and all-around good guy, was more diplomatic about the win. "We went in, did what we had to do to start the year off on a good foot." Despite throwing for a mere 163 yards, Brady managed to put 2 scores on the other team and lead his team to victory. Brady was the big off-season acquisition by the Maulers, who had played for the Main Meins the prior year. GM Smith hopes that Brady's leadership will put his team, who went far in the playoffs last year, over the top this year.

The real hero of the day was the defense though, producing 3 sacks and 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD.

After the game, the mood in the Lion's locker room was subdued but professional. Shaun Alexander shrugged away the premature questions of his team's demise. "The season is early man. We underestimated that team and they made us pay. I need to play better, that's for damn sure." Alexander gained only 51 yards on 19 rushes, a meager 2.7 average, and fumbled the ball once.

Rookie Mike Bell, though a newcomer to the champs, agreed. "We're still the champs man. The road to the title goes through us." Bell was impressive in his debut, going for 58 yards on 10 carries and punching it into the end zone once. Bell did injury his finger during the game, but contends that he will be ready to play next week.

GM Smith could not be reached for comment on why he had doubted his own team, though some close to the GM have claimed it was a ruse to get the team fired up. For at least one Mauler, Rudi Johnson, it appeared to have worked. "That guy doesn't know his jock from his elbow," Johnson had to say when asked about Smith.

Despite the words, the mood was jovial. Winning heals all wounds. But without Dom Davis, the Maulers only have one leg to stand on. Can they keep up the effort every week, or did they just get lucky this time, catching the defending champions with their pants down.

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  ¶ 10:34 AM 0 Comments