Headlines - Week 4 2006
Brown Sharks #1
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks (4-0) 96.23, Smooth Shaft (1-3) 90.53
There was no champagne to mark the occasion. Gone were the cigars and party hats from the previous weeks, when the Big Brown Sharks were shocking the football world. Instead, chants of "Number 1! Number 1!" rang through the locker room.
As they had done all season, the Big Brown Sharks won again, squeaking out 6 point win, thanks in part to questionable personnel decisions by Smooth Shaft GM Jerome. The only other undefeated team, the Main Meins, had lost, leaving the Brown Sharks alone atop the summit.
The team's top 2 running backs, Julius Jones and Steven Jackson, powered the offense, the former running for 122 yards and a touchdown, and the latter gaining 146 all-purpose yards and a touchdown. And quarterback Jake Delhomme finally played to his potential, throwing for 169 yards and 2 scores.
Receiver Muhsin Muhammad called the team blessed. "Allah is guiding this team. His hand is on everything we do."
When asked if the upcoming game with defending champ Spartan Lions was a test for this team, Muhammad said no. "As Muhammad, blessed is his name, said- 'And you must rip the heads off of the vanquisher, and shit down his throat.' And so it will be next Sunday."
Despite the mood in the winning locker room, this was a game Smooth Shaft could have easily won. Once again starting less players than the opponent, the Shaft played a tight game but fell short in the end. One can only wonder if they had played even numbers, if they could have pulled this out, which would have drastically altered the landscape, dropping the Big Brown Sharks into a 4-way tie with the Meins, Hokay Hoslap, and Chubby's In.
Shaft Quarterback Marc Bulger played his best game of the season (328 yards, 3 touchdowns), as did receiver Torry Holt (102 yards, 1 TD) and running back DeShaun Foster (105 yards, 1 TD). "We were just outnumbered," Holt said.
"A loss is a loss," Bulger added. "But you can't help but feel that this is one we could have won."
***
Craigulators Win First; Hair Still WinlessFinal Score: Craigulators 105.87, BLOOD TEETH AND HAIR 105.33
The game between the league's only remaining teams without a win ended up being a close-fought affair, and ultimately more entertaining than any of the other games on tap. But in true heartbreak fashion, Blood, Teeth, and Hair lost by mere fractions of a point. Of further discouragement is that, had they played most of the other teams in the league, Hair would have emerged victorious.
In the aftermath of a game in which they had left everything on the field, the Hair locker room was understandably downtrodden. "We did our best, but it wasn't quite good enough," Santana Moss said. Moss absolutely erupted this week, emerging from his funk with an awe-inspiring performance (138 yards, 3 TDs). But it was undercut by Frank "Banana Hands" Gore, who continued his fumbled-plagued campaign (79 yards, 2 fumbles).
The mood in the Craigulators locker room was one of giddy relief. The 3-headed running back trio of Kevin Jones (93 yards, 2 TDs), Willis McGahee (78 yards, 1 TD), and Todd Jones (98 yards, 2 TDs) led the charge for the Craigulators. Obviously relieved by his team's performance, Owner/GM/Head Coach Craig Roggenbuck slumped wearily on the john, having literally crapped himself after his team came back and eked out the narrow victory. "The first time is always the hardest, you know. Now that we have figured out how to score, watch out."
*
Meins Slapped, Lose First Game
Final Score: Hokay Hoslap (3-1) 115.23, Main Meins (3-1) 104.40
In a possible preview of post-season action, the Hokay Hoslap team dominated early and held on for the win, dropping the Main Meins to 3-1 on the season. Running back Larry Johnson (101 yards, 2 TDs), quarterback Peyton Manning (217 yards, 2 TDs), and the defense (2 fumble recoverys, 4 sacks, 2 INTs, 1 TD) combined for 69 fantasy points, almost more than some entire teams in week 4 (Dez Nuts, Chubby's In, and LanceBass AssPirates). Johnson ran like Jamal "JailBait" Lewis was chasing him with a tube of baby oil, juking and dancing across the field and leading Hoslap with 26.2 fantasy points.
"The [Main Meins] will try to say it was close, and that if McNabb played in the 4th they could have won," Johnson said. "But that is bullshit man. We had their number, they were hit. If McNabb wasn't such a wuss he would have been out there in the 4th, with the game on the line. He is too preoccupied with shooting his Chunky Soup commercials. I think his mamma needs to lay off that soup, yo."
When told of Johnson's comments, Meins quarterback Donovan McNabb declined to comment on his sitting out of the 4th, but did stick up for his mother. "I'm not gonna get into that with him. But you know what they say, the camera adds 15 pounds." No word on just how many cameras were on Momma 'Chunky' McNabb.
For his part, McNabb played like a demon throwing for 288 yards and two TDs, and rushing for 47 yards and another 2 TDs. And for the second week in a row, running back Clinton Portis ran wild (112 yards, 1 TD). But it was not enough to vanquish Hoslap, who despite from their week 1 loss to the Big Brown Sharks, have looked very impressive.
***
Lions RoarFinal Score: Spartan Lions (2-2) 87.13, Dez Nuts (2-2) 70.13
It was a game they were supposed to lose, but instead, the defending champion Spartan Lions rose to the occasion and kicked the upstart Dez Nuts in the nads, pulling themselves to 2-2 on the year.
"If we had lost this game," crossing-dressing wide receiver/tight end Marquis Colston (132 yards, 1 TD) said, "it would have been disastrous. We'd be down at the bottom of the league. But now we are in the thick of it. Next week is huge."
If the Spartan Lions can pull out a victory in week 5, that would indeed be huge, as it would put the Lions only a game back on the first-place Brown Sharks, a near miracle considering their sluggish start.
The real story of this game, however, was the missed opportunity for Nuts to move to 3-1 and stay at the top of the pack. "This was a very winnable game," running back Warrick Dunn said, "but we blew it."
The stars in their previous wins, RBs Dunn (65 yards), Edge James (72 yards), and Chester Taylor (51 yards), disappointed, and that ultimately was the key to this loss.
***
AssPirates Sunk
Final Score: Chubby's In (3-1) 71.03, LanceBass AssPirates (1-3) 46.90
The really good teams win the games they are supposed to. This one had blow-out written all over it, and Chubby's In did not falter, taking advantage of a bewildered LanceBass AssPirates team on the verge of mutiny. This one could have been even worse, but star running back Brian Westbrook did not play a down, sitting out with his tender knee.
Fellow RB Lamont Jordan made up for his absence, playing to his normal level for the first time all season (128 yards, 1 TD).
For the AssPirates, this game was just another in a string of sloppy, uninspired performances. Drama Queen Terrell Owens, fresh off his attempted suicide, finished with 88 yards receiving, and had one apparent touchdown called back.
"The way we are playing," TO said, "it is a miracle that we won a game. Seriously."
***
Maulers Falter
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil (2-2) 83.44, Midland Maulers (2-2) 78.77
The really good teams win the games they are supposed to. After this game, one wonders if the Midland Maulers fall within that classification of a 'good' team. This was a game they should have won, against an opponent ripe for the kill. But instead, the Maulers kept up their Jeckel-and-Hide performance, and lost to Tiorted Snoil, falling to 2-2 on the year.
It was a huge victory for Snoil, who now finds themselves back in the thick of the playoff hunt. Stud rookie running back Maroney dominated this game (125 yards, 2 TDs), more than making up for Kurt Warner's terrible outing (128 yards, 1 INT, 1 fumble).
"I feel like this is some kind of test," Warner said. "These are the dark days the Bible talks about, and I feel Jesus is trying my soul for the days ahead. 'Lo though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no defensive linemen.' Amen."
Maulers running back Rudi Johnson was unusually quiet after this loss. Johnson did his part (91 yards, 1 TD), but did not get enough help and that ultimately doomed the team.
Labels: Headlines