Hoslap Slapped, Sharks Win
Final Score: Big Brown Sharks 108.1, Hokay Hoslap 90

Behind the steel leg of place-kicker Jeff Wilkins, the Big Brown Sharks got off to a rousing start with a 108-90 victory over the Hokay Hoslap squad. Wilkins converted on 6 or 7 field goal attempts, a franchise record for the second year team.

"He was kicking them long and straight," Brown Sharks coach Vince Lombardi had to say in the champagne-soaked locker room after the game. Some might have questioned the celebration as premature, but at 1-0, the Brown Sharks are undefeated for the first time in franchise history. Last year's squad looked built for a Championship run, but injuries and suspect play at QB torpedoed the season early on.

During the off-season, Brown Sharks GM Eric Pierce took a broom to the roster and rebuilt around the core. Not escaping the carnage was coach Lou Holtz, fired after just his first season. At the time, Pierce said, "I just felt that Lou spent too much time picking at the grass on the sideline, and not enough time coaching the team." After a solid draft this year, Pierce pulled the ultimate move, getting legendary coach Lombardi to return from the dead for another shot at the title. "I felt someone needed to light a fire under the team's ass," Pierce said. "And who better than a guy that's been there and won it. If Vince can't scare the team into performing, then who the hell can?"

Not every move was so reasonable, however. Despite erratic and disappointing play last season, Pierce brought Jake Delhomme back for another season behind center. Delhomme was back to his old antics on Sunday, throwing for only 186 yards and turning the ball over twice. Afterwards, Pierce had this to say. "We've got a lot of new faces around here, and everyone is not on the same page at this point. Jake will turn it around. The important thing is that we got the win."

Whether or not Delhomme can indeed lead the Brown Sharks to a title remains to be seen, but for this week at least, the team looked like champs, knocking off last year's second place finishers.

After praising Allah for the win, Muhsin Muhammad simply said "we kicked their ass." Muhammad admitted to being fired up for this game. "After what they did to me, you know, I felt I needed to show them they made a mistake." Muhammad turned in a 6 catch, 102 yard performance that Hokay Hoslap GM Adam Budzynski was sure to notice. Meanwhile, Braylon Edwards was less than impressive in his season debut and spent most of the game on the bench.
Despite the bravado, the game was closer than the final score indicated, as the Hokay Hoslap squad made a run late in the second quarter and took a small lead. The defense turned in an impressive performance, Jamal Lewis was steady, and Laveranues Coles surprised everyone but himself with a 8 catch, 153 yard game. "That's what I do," he said simply, when asked about his performance. "Just give me the damn ball."

Despite Coles's heroics, Hoslap did not get production where they most expected it. Hoslap's top 3 players- Peyton Manning, Larry Johnson, and Roy Williams combined for only 29 points, well under the projection (45 points). LJ was the most productive of the trio, gaining 148 combined yards but failing to find pay dirt.

"We just didn't get it done," Manning said. "Give them credit, they were the better team today."
Johnson agreed, but offered this warning- "We sucked ass today, but we will meet again, and then its on like Teflon, baby!"

***

A Field of Blood, Teeth, and Hair
Final Score: Main Meins 98.47, Blood Teeth and Hair 85.97

The onslaught began early and often. In a game that was never really as close as the final score suggested, the Main Meins hung one on the squad of Blood Teeth and Hair. After the carnage, the field was littered with blood, teeth, and hair, and almost all of it belonged to the Hair squad.

For the Main Meins, Donovan McNabb led by example, throwing for 314 yards and 3 TDs. Running back Ronnie Brown notched two scores, and All-World rookie Reggie Bush electrified fans with 119 all-purpose yards. The Hair team was left reeling from the offensive weaponry.

"They got hit yo," Bush had to say after the game. He then turned and dropped his towel, showing the reporters his now-larger area code digits. "619 baby. Represent."

Keyshawn Johnson stood off to the side, watching as Bush flexed his cheeks. "Rookies," he muttered.

Almost as a whole, Hair underperformed, getting little production from the stars. The lone exception was Frank Gore, who made a big splash, gaining 170 total yards and rushing for 2 touchdowns. Even his performance was not without faults, however, as he fumbled the ball away twice.

Quarterback Aaron Brooks and the Moss twins- Randy and Santana- made a run late in the 4th. Down 30 points, they managed to close the gap to 13 points, but couldn't get closer than that.

Tony Gonzalez, solid with 81 yards receiving and a touchdown, said, "If you look at the scoreboard, we didn't lose by much, but it never felt like a ballgame. The Meins had our number and we never really responded until it was too late."

***

Nuts Run to Victory
Final Score: Dez Nuts 81.40, LanceBass AssPirates 64.03

Dez Nuts road the strong play of their 3-headed RB monster to victory, literally running over the LanceBass AssPirates. Incumbent Edgerrin James rushed for 73 yards and a score, and newcomers Chester Taylor and Warrick Dunn also contributed. Taylor accounted for 131 yards of offense and a touchdown, while Dunn added 132 yards on the ground.

James grinned widely when asked what he thought of his two new teammates, blinding the reporters with his bling. "They's balla's."

Aside from the three running backs, Nuts did not get much play from its other players. Against another opponent, that might have cost them, but as James put it, "We're just playing to the level of our competition. They're JV-level, so that's what we played like."

In the losing locker room, the AssPirates looked like a team who had just had their booty plundered. Tiki Barber had run strong, gaining 171 all-purpose yards, and Terrell Owens had 6 receptions for 80 yards and a touchdown. But aside from that, the team just did not produce.

"We stunk up the joint," TO said between crunches. "Plain and simple. Stunk. S-T-U-N-K. Stunk."

TO stood and flexed and, holding the pose, pointed at quarterback Daunte Culpepper. "He was the stinkiest."

Culpepper declined to comment on the game, his play, or his relative level of stinkness.

***

Snoil Steal One
Final Score: Tiorted Snoil 70.93, Craigulators 61

This was a game they could have won. The Craigulators were at home, and they were facing an opponent distracted by a controversy swirling at running back. There was dissension in the Tiorted Snoil locker room over the waiving of former Heisman Trophy winning running back Ron Dayne. Some on the Snoil squad didn't even know they had a game this week.

Despite all of this, the Craigulators did not mount up, but instead let a golden opportunity slip through their hands. Led by Carson Palmer's paltry 127 yards passing (2.13 points), the Craigulators were in the tank early and never put up much of a fight.

Meanwhile, the Snoils vacated the visiting locker room and got on the team bus before someone could realize what had happened and challenge the game, riding off like thieves in the night. "We straight up stole that one," veteran Corey Dillon said as the bus chugged away.

Grizzled former stock boy Kurt Warner looked up from his bible, eyes welling with tears, when asked about the Craigulators. "They've changed." Despite his demeanor post-game, Warner was an absolute surgeon during the game, slicing apart the defense for 301 yards and 3 touchdowns.
None on the team bus was happier than GM Chris Walker. "We got the win, and that is all that matters." He then turned to the bus driver. "How'd the Brown Sharks do? Man, I love that team."

***

Chubby In, Smooth Shaft Out
Final Score: Chubby's In 106.1, Smooth Shaft 86.13

Chubby's In looked like world beaters in their season opener, handling Smooth Shaft with surprising ease. It was a true team performance, as nearly everyone contributed to the victory. The lone disappointment for Chubby was star Lamont Jordan, who managed only 20 yards rushing. Still, the team was able to account for Jordan's lack of production and come away with the win.

"That is the definition of team," said Brian Berrian. "When somebody doesn't produce, everyone else steps up to make up for that." Berrian was signed by the team at the last minute on Sunday, just prior to kick-off. He literally ran out of the tunnel, onto the field, and caught a 49-yard touchdown, his only contribution on the day.

Smooth Shaft played a solid game, but a lack of production from their stars cost them in the end. Marc Bulger (217 yards) and DeShaun Foster (54 yards rushing) were the biggest disappointments.

"We all had to be on our games to win this one," LaDainian Tomlinson said. Despite playing a very impressive game (131 yards rushing, 18 yards receiving, 1 touchdown), LT alone could not make Shaft victorious. "They played as a team today," LT added, "and we just played with ourselves."

***

Lions Mauled
Final Score: Midland Maulers 90.13, Spartan Lions 68.13

They were supposed to lose. Hell, even before the first snap, the Midland Maulers had lost. With one of the cornerstones, Domanick Davis, lost to a season-ending knee injury, and facing the defending champions, the Maulers looked doomed to start 0-1 on the year. Even GM Torey Smith thought so, going on record to say the Lions would win this game.

But instead the team responded with a gutsy performance, crushing the defending champions and surprising everyone except those in the Mauler's locker room.

"That's how we do," Rudi Johnson said, after rushing for 96 yards and a touchdown and leading the team in testosterone. "Those cats couldn't hold my jock."

Tom Brady, Team Captain and all-around good guy, was more diplomatic about the win. "We went in, did what we had to do to start the year off on a good foot." Despite throwing for a mere 163 yards, Brady managed to put 2 scores on the other team and lead his team to victory. Brady was the big off-season acquisition by the Maulers, who had played for the Main Meins the prior year. GM Smith hopes that Brady's leadership will put his team, who went far in the playoffs last year, over the top this year.

The real hero of the day was the defense though, producing 3 sacks and 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD.

After the game, the mood in the Lion's locker room was subdued but professional. Shaun Alexander shrugged away the premature questions of his team's demise. "The season is early man. We underestimated that team and they made us pay. I need to play better, that's for damn sure." Alexander gained only 51 yards on 19 rushes, a meager 2.7 average, and fumbled the ball once.

Rookie Mike Bell, though a newcomer to the champs, agreed. "We're still the champs man. The road to the title goes through us." Bell was impressive in his debut, going for 58 yards on 10 carries and punching it into the end zone once. Bell did injury his finger during the game, but contends that he will be ready to play next week.

GM Smith could not be reached for comment on why he had doubted his own team, though some close to the GM have claimed it was a ruse to get the team fired up. For at least one Mauler, Rudi Johnson, it appeared to have worked. "That guy doesn't know his jock from his elbow," Johnson had to say when asked about Smith.

Despite the words, the mood was jovial. Winning heals all wounds. But without Dom Davis, the Maulers only have one leg to stand on. Can they keep up the effort every week, or did they just get lucky this time, catching the defending champions with their pants down.

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